Because it’s close to Valentine’s Day and my newly-reactivated Facebook has newly reactivated the tiny misanthropic man who lives on my shoulder:
We all have annoying Facebook friends who think anyone cares that they went to the gym, or that they feel about Obama or that they need extra lives in Candy Crush.* Facebook behavior can reveal a lot about a person and totally affect how you decide to behave toward them. From wishing them well when their avis pop up on your timeline on their birthdays, or to resisting (or not resisting) the urge to post links to Education Connection on their grammar- and logic-free posts.
Probably though, ladies, regardless of all the irritating habits of these individuals who populate your friend list, you’ll end up offering the best view of your birth canal to the most attractive one of these people, eventually. It’s life. It’s science. It happens… usually when you’re on a break from school and you’re lonely because you’ve realized everyone with whom you’ve graduated is probably more interested in cooking meth with their newborns during their free time than hanging out with you.
Anyway, before you give it up to a Facebook friend in a fit of boredom or totally unbridled passion — which is a super thin line, let the liquor tell it — please consider these particular warning signs that might appear on your paramour’s Facebook page before you tap into your inner Trey Songz and dive in:
1) Education history claims he attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
– For one, I can assure you that he’s most likely a filthy Muggle like the rest of us, and if he isn’t, he’s totally broken the International Statute of Secrecy, and snitches aren’t good lovers, either. Secondly, don’t believe the guy who has this on his profile and then has the nerve to bemoan his childhood ending when the last Harry Potter movie came out. This would imply some sort of metamorphosis into a mature, functioning adult… and the removal of a Facebook joke he’s had on his profile since the 8th grade. Gotta look out for consistency, y’all. This is strongly-cast Lumos! on a young man with the sense of humor of a fourteen-year-old boy, who secretly idolizes Severus Snape, and is probably just as moody, obsessive and greasy. Always, indeed.
2) His profile picture is an anime character
– … speaking of fourteen-year-old boys. Everything I have to say here is basically the same as what I’ve said for item number one, except exchange all Harry Potter references with My Little Pony ones.
3) Claims that he’s fluent in the language of sarcasm
– This only implies that not only is he arrogant, he is arrogant about his jokes, which I can assure you are all the worst things you’ve heard before – and trust me, you’ve heard them before. They will probably include (but aren’t even close to being limited to) unapologetically misogynistic comments. He’s the type of person who thinks he can still get away with the Ledasha joke. Who thinks Macklemore deserved his Grammys. A Das Racist fan. Like the tragic hero of the type of novel Daniel Tosh would write, except even sadder. Sarcasm is not equal to wit, friends.
Here’s hoping you take these warning signs to heart.
*Please send me extra lives on Candy Crush.
Sierra Mannie is a junior classics major from Ridgeland.
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