Scorpio, the Scorpion: October 23 — November 21
Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio, look at you! The stars are smiling on you, and you have got some serious good luck coming your way. The celestial bodies have deemed it fit to reward you with good fortune in money, at work and in love. But be warned: this month, around the nineteenth, you will be overwhelmed with a sudden sensation of absolute clarity, and you will realize that one of your oldest and dearest friends is actually a toe-sock. The shock will be intense at first, and you may feel like you’ll never recover or trust anyone again. But don’t fret! You’ll soon realize you’re better off without that toe-sock. Toe-socks went out of style when you were seven.
Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22 — December 21
Better stock up on sticky notes, Sagittarius, because this month you’ve fallen under a forgetful spell. You’ll be misplacing keys, forgetting to answer texts and missing appointments all month. But don’t worry, the stars haven’t forgotten you. This month will bring you luck in love and relationships. You may even meet someone extra special, or find yourself invited out for a night on the town by someone you’d never really thought of before. Yep, you’re in for a night you’ll never forget… or one you’ll never remember.
Capricorn, the Goat: December 22 — January 19
Well, Capricorn, it looks like you are going to be Mr./Ms. Popular this November! Everyone is going to love your ideas at work, and you’ll be the only one in your group text with the power to make plans, simply because everyone is going to want to hang out with you! Be warned, though, as your popularity grows this month, Capricorn, so will your hair. And while, yes, I know it’s “No-Shave November,” take it from me kids, you’re going to want to shave. The moon this month will have a crazy effect on you, and you could end up looking like Cousin It by the eleventh at the rate your hair is growing.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: January 20 — February 18
As we enter the height of autumn, your creative juices are overflowing, Aquarius. This month is the perfect time to break out the colored pencils, charcoals and paint and unleash your spirit through artistic expression. You’ve been feeling out of touch with your emotional side, and this is the perfect way to touch base with your soul again. Just don’t paint any self-portraits. Or take any selfies. The position of Venus and Mars starting on the third is going to start doing some crazy stuff to your love life, and combined with your super-artsy streak, the result will be that however you portray yourself in that image is how you will appear forever. Forever and ever-ever. You’ve been warned.
Pisces, the Fish: February 19 — March 20
Chef Pisces, this month people will be lined up outside your door to get a taste of your cooking. The position of Jupiter has endowed you with the temporary power to create some mean cuisine, and you should take full advantage of your heightened palate. But be careful, the stars have revealed that you’re going to do something really embarrassing in front of your entire family this Thanksgiving. It could be anything—from something as little as tipping over your water glass, to tooting at the table or accidentally tripping over your Aunt Margie and face-planting in a pumpkin pie. But hey, at least it will be delicious!
Aries, the Ram: March 21 — April 19
Aries, it’s been rough couple of weeks and you’re feeling like you just can’t catch a break. Trolls and gnomes have been plaguing you, your socks keep disappearing and no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to hold on to any cash. Your lucky star has been one step ahead of you, but this month you’ll have a chance to catch up. All you have to do is adopt a pet rock! You can name it whatever you want, dress it however you like, and you don’t even have to feed or water it! Your lucky star will be so distracted by how cute your little rocky is, it won’t want to leave your side. The cuter your pet rock is, the more luck will come your way.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20 — May 20
It’s time to take a trip, Taurus. You’ve been feeling restless lately, and with the holidays approaching, now is the perfect time to set your traveler’s spirit free and take on the world. Be on the lookout for mysterious old antique shops or old family portraits with hidden maps behind them. The stars tell me November is the prime time for you to discover buried treasure! Just be sure and avoid haunted and/or cursed buried treasure, because that can be difficult to bounce back from.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21 — June 20
Lately, Gemini, you’ve been feeling a little put down. No one has been listening to you lately, and you’re feeling plain ole ignored by everyone around you. Well, don’t you worry. It’s not you, it’s the moon! The moon this November is having a strong and strange impact on you, and it’s literally making you invisible. By the New Moon, you will be 100 percent transparent. Eating lots of salt and vinegar chips should counteract the invisibility until you start re-appearing around the nineteenth.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21 — July 22
There is a little red wagon in your future! At first, you’ll think your mind is playing tricks on you and that there’s no way it’s the same wagon. But then you’ll start to see it lurking in the shadows, squeaking behind you as you walk home alone at dusk, disappearing just as you look over your shoulder. Don’t let it sense your fear: it will charge. Instead, avoid making direct eye contact with it, don’t bare your teeth at it and don’t wear lime green. It will make it more aggressive, and it’s tacky and out of season.
Leo, the Lion: July 23 — August 22
Leo, your finances are fire this month! You’ll be on top of your budget, your wallet will be brimming with bills and your pockets jingling with change. You’ll be finding a crisp dollar bill every time you do a load of laundry. Things at work will be looking up, so don’t be afraid to ask for a raise. This month, Saturn is in a special position, giving you the temporary power to evaporate milk on command. If you don’t receive these powers by the New Moon, you’re not a true Leo.
Virgo, the Virgin: August 23 — September 22
Virgo, you lucky dog, you! There is one hot, toasty sandwich in your future. The arrival of this sandwich will be as mysterious as its origins, but do not be afraid. The lunch-time classic shall inspire you with flavor combinations and savory tastes beyond your wildest dreams. But this sandwich won’t just be delicious— it will bring you hella good luck. Better yet, if you share this sandwich with someone you love, you’ll also get three wishes from the sandwich elves.
Libra, the Scale: September 23 — October 22
Libra, you’re going to want to wear a jacket this month! The position of the Sun in relation to the Earth this month will make your days shorter, with less daylight and more night time. This will also lead to a drop in temperatures, so you’re more likely to be feeling chilly as they day goes on, and you’re going to want a light jacket or sweatshirt to warm you up. At some point this month, you’re going to rip your pants. Probably in some very public place like class or a crowded restaurant, according to my cosmic sources. Someone, most likely a small child who wants attention, will point out your wardrobe malfunction very loudly and obnoxiously, so prepare for that, too.
