Dear Real McCoy,
There’s a girl that I see out and about all the time, but I just plain don’t like her. Her attitude stinks, and she’s generally rude to everyone she sees – and she used to be my best friend! Whenever we’re out and about on the Square, though, she’s always trying to get my attention and say hey, but I just don’t feel like talking to her. I don’t want her in my life, but I don’t want to be impolite. I just would much rather ignore her when I’m out dancing or hanging out with people I actually like, than having to be fake and catch up with someone I’d prefer to be out of my life. How should I treat her when I see her? Help!
– Pressed in Panera Bread
Dear Pressed in Panera Bread,
It’s always an extremely sticky situation when a relationship drastically changes or ends with someone you were once very close with. Generally, both people are left feeling somewhat awkward because it requires a good bit of adjustment. Exactly how you should respond to someone in this situation depends on many factors. The context in which you know them, the amount of mutual friends/relationships and the duration of time you’ve known them are most apparent.
Specifically, in your situation, you have to first account for the fact that this girl was once your best friend.
Yes, people do change, but people’s personalities rarely (if ever, unless suffering from some serious mental disorder) change altogether. At some point in your own life, you associated with her regularly for a fair amount of time. This means she would have always to some degree have possessed these “unpleasant” traits that annoy you. They were ALWAYS a part of her personality to some degree.
It seems unreasonable to mistreat her or to not act in a cordial manner because your opinions of her have changed, whether it be because you have matured faster or because of something she did to you or someone/something that you care about. There is nothing you can do about how she is or interacts. With that, it says a lot about your maturity to possess the ability to remain cordial with the simple “hi and bye” and allow yourself to not harbor resentment towards her.
Next, take into account your location. Honestly, you’re in Oxford, Mississippi. With this girl being your once best friend, seeing her is unavoidable because of many, small, overlapping social circles. Given there are places that you can avoid or certain events you can flake on, but run-ins are inevitable.
Grasping the full reality of the situation, you will see her, eventually.
Of course, the empathetic extra-mile on the high road is always an option.
In a situation like this, especially if you find yourself feeling nostalgic about the friendship you once shared, the increased intensity of these undesirable traits could be a lashing out, so to speak.
If you deduce that you still care for her at all and are capable, why not take a moment during one of these encounters to show compassion towards an old friend, find out what is happening and help her out. The impact of your actions could work wonders if a personal problem of hers is seeping into other parts of her social life and interactions.
– R. McCoy
