I’m 20 years old with no direction, loss of passion and many lingering questions.
My mind is in a million different places, and I’m not really sure where my heart is.
The time has come in our ever-changing lives to reconsider our purposes on this demanding planet. If you’re like me, you’re mentally and emotionally stuck in the webs of your own confusion and lack of guidance.
Where do I go from here?
Societal pressures such as pursuing more education and choosing a career path have me swaying into unknown directions.
Have you ever felt torn between your life and the life others expect for you?
The question of who I am plagues my mornings, alters my afternoons and tucks me in at night. There’s not a day that goes by that my mother does not me to relax and not take more than I can handle, but I continue to not listen to her because I feel that if I do not take on many assignments, I am not significant.
It was the 5-6 hours of sleep, no social life and responsibility that fueled my first two years of college, but now, I am sick. I have worn myself out in every aspect of my life as a student and human being.
It never mattered to me about the resumé because I wanted to drown myself in serving others. I joined the band, multiple clubs and took 19 hours my freshman year. I wanted to conquer, to shed my high school skin, because I never had the opportunity to achieve my own goals; however, what I have learned is that I had lost my passion by never serving my own needs.
I wanted to be somebody my parents, my friends, my sorority could be proud of. I had placed the weight of my own struggles on my shoulders in the effort to make them all proud. I carried my insecurities, feelings, concerns, tears, pressures and much more around with me and covered them with a smile. I did not take the time for myself that I, without a doubt, regret. I had my early mid-life crisis.
I broke down and said, “Summer, what are you doing with your life?”
It’s taking introspection (thank you psychology professors) and what I like to call “get it together, Summer” sessions. All of this time I thought I was fulfilling the ultimate plan, but I never had a plan to begin with. I did what I thought I should do in order to feel significant in my own life.
It’s admittedly difficult to express my own personal failure, but I am discovering now that the first step is admittance. It takes saying “you’re not okay” to start moving toward a place where you are okay.
For a moment we should all want to stop growing up, freeze time and enjoy the present.
I’ve so desperately wanted to be a 20-year-old who counts her Instagram likes, has a quarter of a tank of gas and low flex (okay, I’ve always had low flex). I can’t try to change the world without rebuilding my own.
Now, I have a blank canvas. I don’t currently own a brush or any colors, but I’m excited for how this picture of my life will turn out. Being stuck isn’t the worst thing that could happen to me. In fact, it takes being stuck to value moving forward.
Summer Wigley is a junior psychology major from Ridgeland.
Summer Wigley is a junior psychology major from Ridgeland.
