Illustration by Jake Thrasher
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sept. 22
You need independence this month, Virgo. It’s time to spread your beautiful and gender-neutral butterfly wings and explore the world around you. You’ve been feeling a little too close to someone lately — a friend or a lover perhaps — and you need some space. So make some! Taking a little time for yourself is healthy, and it will strengthen your relationships in the long run. Also, I would recommend wearing heavy shoes. Birds will try to pick you up and take you to their nests this month due to Jupiter’s rotation. Probably large birds… Definitely not chickens. You’ll be safe around traditionally flightless birds and birds without large talons.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23- Oct. 22
Cosmic surprises are in store for you this month, Libra. It might be a surprise party, the discovery of an evil twin, or maybe someone will gift you a potted plant, but one thing is certain: your life is about to get a little more interesting. I would recommend prepping for this surprise — whatever it may be — by introducing more fiber and vitamin C into your diet, making time for exercise and greeting every cat you see with a deep bow. The cat part is especially important, as everyone knows cats are the surprise masters of the universe. The nicer you are to cats, the better your surprise will be. But don’t try too hard … They can tell when you’re just kissing up.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
Let go, Scorpio. Let go. Surrender yourself to the universe, because circumstances are about to totally float out of your control. Your personal life is about to take an unexpected turn, and no matter how much you crave order, let chaos wrap you in its gentle embrace. Due to Mercury’s position in relation to Uranus this month, you will also be more likely to defy the laws of gravity, especially if you sneeze. Suddenly, sneezing will sever your earthly ties and cause you to float up into the sky if you’re not careful. So be sure and take your allergy meds, avoid pollen and pepper, and get plenty of vitamin D.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Lean on your friends and family this month. Your legs will turn to jelly at some point, and you will literally need help standing. But also you should be more open about your feelings and let your loved ones know what’s going on with you. They can tell when you’re deflecting, and your stoic nature is no match for your intense desire for human connection this month. You’re starting to feel overwhelmed or overworked, and you need to ask for support. It’s OK – people love you and want you to be safe and happy. And your legs will turn to jelly.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
There is a lot of possibility in the air, Cap. Can you feel the change in the winds? You probably can, because this month your arm hair is going to be .09 percent more sensitive to touch than the average human’s due to the moon’s positioning in relation to Neptune. But aside from your heightened arm hair sensitivity, this month also brings a lot of personal change. A relationship may be coming to an end, or a new one is about to begin. Whatever change is in store for you, the outcome will be determined by your attitude, so make sure you stay positive.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
You’re going to be famous, dude. It’s happening. Get ready to eat a nice fancy meal and not drop a single dime, because stars never pay, baby. Your fame won’t last, of course. Nothing ever does. But for a good 15 minutes this month you’re going to be the hottest thing this side of the Mississippi. The downside is that there are literally thousands of other Aquariuses in the world, and because horoscopes apply to signs and not specifically to people in this particular publication, you’ll be sharing that fame with everyone else born between Jan. 20 and Feb. 18. So in a way, you won’t be all that famous after all. But hey, that’s show business.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
Pisces, there is a new and lovely stranger in your future. He is wearing a top hat, has a monocle and knows several obscure and romantic free-verse poems. His name is Pizza-Hands McStevens, and he is an invisible magic man. He will guide you this month, help you navigate your obstacles and challenges, attend to your needs in whatever ways he can and be a pillar of comfort to you. But as I said, Pizza-Hands McStevens is invisible, so you will never see him. He also doesn’t speak at a frequency that most humans can hear, so you probably won’t ever really know he’s there. But he is. His servants are the Grove squirrels, and they will be watching you every day for the rest of September.
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
You are about to be tested in ways you never imagined, but there will be a pooka of sorts to help guide you. This guardian of yours can come in any form, and he will tell you riddles and jokes that contain hidden meaning. They will be especially helpful as your personal life takes an unexpected turn, and your physical health suddenly becomes of vital importance to those around you. You are a beacon of strength for many this month. People are looking up to you. So, the heavens have come to your aid and sent you a pillar of wisdom and a treasury of appropriate humor. So be on the lookout for anyone who approaches you with a joke or riddle – he is your guardian angel.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
The world is your oyster this month, Taurus. New ideas, people and experiences are all around you. Due to your stubborn nature, you may be drawn more towards things that feel familiar or safe, but I am telling you there will be some major cosmic brownie points if you can branch out and try something totally out there. Love baseball? Go see an opera. Hate cooking? Suck it up and give it a try. The more you branch out, the greater the reward. Also this month you will have the ability to hear other people’s thoughts, but only if they are thinking specifically about coffee. I don’t know why exactly. I’m just telling you what I’ve heard.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
You’ll be able to tell the future this month, Gemini, but in a way you would never expect. Due to Mercury’s position in relation to Venus, the planets are blasting psychic signals into your brain like a firehose. You may see signs in the carpet patterns or find meaning in the way the leaves are scatting about the ground as the autumn wind approaches. Or tiny frogs will hop on your pillow at night and whisper fortunes into your ears as you sleep. But one way or another, you’re especially clairvoyant this month, so make the most of it. If you would not like to know the future, defend your brain from the psychic waves by wearing a tin-foil or plastic hat.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
The cosmic gremlins are after you this month, Cancer. They are following you always, ready to strike, and you must take measures to defend yourself. Unlike cosmic trolls, cosmic gremlins like to pester you in what one might call non-traditional ways. Instead of tying your shoes together and mischief like that, cosmic gremlins will do things like tickle your legs as you walk through tall grass so it feels like bugs are crawling on you. Another one of their favorite tricks is to blow the shower curtain against you while you’re washing so you never ever feel truly clean. Luckily, you can ward off cosmic gremlins by staying hydrated, as they are intimidated by people who care about their daily water intake.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
A money dog is in your future, Leo. A money dog is a rare and precious cosmic event that only occurs once every 8,000 years. The last time I had a money dog in my house, I was able to fund an expedition to discover the fountain of youth and have since been able to maintain my vitality for centuries! Money dog is yellow and friendly and will appear only for a split second, so watch out. If you are able to pet money dog, then money is in your future, guaranteed. If you scratch money dog’s belly, you will also meet the love of your life. If you don’t see money dog, then this will just be a regular month for you and nothing particularly special will happen.
