Author’s note: I am smarter than NASA. Your horoscope hasn’t changed just because NASA said so. They won’t even acknowledge poor little ole Pluto is a planet. Besides, who are you going to trust? A rocket scientist or your friendly campus psychic?
Illustration by Jake Thrasher
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23– Oct. 22
October is going to be lit for you, Libra. Get ready for showers of bite-sized candies, assorted small gifts from friends and maybe a new lover. You may start feeling a little under the weather around the 16th due to Mars, so be sure to stay on top of that by taking in enough Vitamin C. Vitamin C is so important. The stars foretell this month you will also meet a cat with human hands. It will be jarring, to say the least. When you meet this cat with human hands, shake its human hand warmly and then go wash your human hands because you have no idea where that cat’s human hands have been.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23– Nov. 21
There is a great adventure in your future this month. Certain cosmic forces have collided, opening up a mysterious universal “rabbit hole” in your Zodiac house. This of course means that only Scorpios can experience this little “rabbit hole.” If you stumble upon it, I would avoid it as best you can. Last time I fell into one of these “rabbit holes,” I was teleported into an alternate reality where household pets could talk. You would think that’d be sick, but it turns out my cat Kevin is kind of a jerk and would talk bad about me behind my back all the time. It was just really emotionally stressful living in that kind of environment. Plus it takes forever to get back to your original reality.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22– Dec. 21
Lately, it feels like nothing is going quite right for you. Cosmic forces have noticed you’re a little stressed out, Sag. That’s why this October they have decided to give you a small and special magic gift. Starting on the 12th, every eyelash wish you make will come true! But be very careful, for this is a dangerous gift. I once knew this guy who was given the same cosmic gift for a few days, and he managed to rip out all his eyelashes. It was terrible. But your resourceful and thoughtful nature should be enough to prevent you from such a folly.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22– Jan. 19
Things have been kind of dull around you lately. You feel like you’ve fallen into a routine, and your creative and curious personality is eager to break free. You’ve been looking for something to spice up your life through love, social interaction and personal reflection, but nothing is working. A mysterious stranger will come into your life around the 13th and change you forever. Also, it looks like you’re going to get the spookiest October of all, Cap! This October, due to Neptune’s positioning in relation to the moon, you will gain the ability to talk to spiders every night from 10 p.m. to 3 a.m.
Aquarius, the Water Bearer: Jan. 20– Feb. 18
It’s your time for romance, Aqua-friend. October has always been your month for love, and this year someone really extra special is eyeing you. Keep your eyes peeled and listen to your gut. October 15th and 30th are going to be good date nights. Unfortunately, due to the positioning of Venus in relation to Mars from the 16th-29th, you’re going to develop the ability to levitate, but only when you’re sleeping. It’s not really as cool as it sounds. Sure, levitating is all good fun until you levitate into the ceiling fan above your bed and jam your fingers into the fan blades. Be sure to take safety measures.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19– March 20
Pisces, your creativity is showing! You’ve been feeling disconnected, and distance from a loved one is weighing extra heavy on your heart these days. It’s making you kind of cranky and un-fun, to be honest. But never fear! Uranus will settle into a perfect alignment with the moon, just so your creative juices will get flowing like crazy. Indulge in yarn crafts, potion making and therianthropy (look it up). Whatever you do, don’t carve pumpkins. The cosmic forces at work will bleed into the pumpkins and make them come alive. Animated pumpkins are absolutely terrifying, and with all the clowns running around, we don’t need pumpkin monsters lurking in the dark, too.
Aries, the Ram: March 21– April 19
There is quite a lot of travel in your future this October, Aries. While it’s exciting and will more than likely prove beneficial in one way or another, it may leave you feeling a little uprooted. Take time for family and friends and you’ll be alright. This month, due to the positioning of Pluto from the 15th-31st, you will turn into any Halloween costume you put on if you don’t take it off before midnight. So just be careful about that. Unless you planned on going as something cool like Shrek for Halloween, because then you’d be Shrek forever and that would be pretty sick.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20– May 20
You’re all wound up and you hardly know what to do with yourself, Taurus. All the hot baths and aroma-therapy in the world won’t do you any good, not until you come face-to-face with what is really bothering you and let go of whatever is holding you back. This month, the position of Jupiter makes you bolder, so don’t be surprised if you’re suddenly feeling extra extroverted and make a few new friends. The planet’s positioning will also make you a bolder dancer. So dust off your dancing shoes and get ready to bust a move because now is the time for you to let it all out on the dance floor. You are also more likely to win a limbo contest on the 29th.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21– June 20
Beware, Gemini, for danger is lurking in the darkest shadows around you. The stars foretell that you will come face-to-face with a pinnacle of pure and unadulterated evil. A mysterious green balloon will come to snatch you up into the sky and hold you prisoner in the legendary balloon city, Helioom. It’s a real place, and a terrible one. Always carry with you a safety pin or other small pointy object to defend yourself from the green horror that will follow you every night starting tonight until October 31. Oh my goodness, it’s so scary I can hardly stand to tell you about it. This month is also prime time to ask for a promotion at work.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21– July 22
The alignment of Mercury in relation to Saturn’s rings are working all kinds of ways on you this October. Lucky you! This month you will find $8 somewhere, Cancer. It may be in the pocket of a coat you haven’t worn since early February or in the leftover change slot at the coin machine, but somehow, somewhere there is $8 with your name written all over it. You’ll also be receiving an unexpected phone call this month, either from an estranged family member or an ex-lover. If I were you, I would just let it go to voicemail because, honestly, who needs that drama?
Leo, the Lion: July 23– Aug. 22
You’ve been having some trouble adjusting to a recent change, Leo, and you feel like maybe somewhere along these past few months, you lost your way. Fear not, my friend, for all your worries will soon disappear. An old friend will soon reappear after a long absence with some life-changing advice. Make sure you listen closely. This month you will also be blessed with good luck any time you encounter the color red, which should be always because did you know the blood in your body is red? Science!
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sep. 22
A loved one will surprise you with a precious gift this month, Virgo. It is the time of year when you can sit back, relax and enjoy universal blessings. Be sure to say ‘thank you’ when you get something good! This month you will also develop the ability to reach into a cooler and without looking pull out whatever drink you want. You will also have the ability to shoot freeze-rays from your eyes on the night of the full moon, so get ready for that because it could either be a lot of fun or really dangerous.
