In my pursuit of self-discovery, I’ve begun to discover flaws that encompass my life. One of these in particular that I struggle with every day is being a people pleaser.
After contemplating the reasons for this flaw, I’ve discovered three aspects of people pleasing in my life. One of these aspects is that I’m exhausted. Consistently searching for ways to please others is physically and emotionally exhausting. I would tire myself every day asking questions such as “How can I help him today?” “Does she need this to be done?” “She mentioned this … does she want me to say something?” “Who needs me?” These questions would often burden my existence.
Second, no one is happy in a people-pleasing relationship. In my pursuit of pleasing others, I have to ask myself, “Am I really making them happy?” The level of expectations increase when one is a people pleaser. Once one act of giving is done, yet another one is expected. If I didn’t do a well enough job, I was reprimanded verbally or with looks of disappointment. It’s a tug-of-war of emotions on both parties.
Last, I had forgotten the true meaning of giving in m y pursuit of solely pleasing others. The art of giving involves voluntary acts of love and altruism without expecting compensation of any kind. So in that regard, I had been wrong all along. Here was my problem: I expected compensation. I needed that “thank you,” that validation, an act of giving in return. I was unsure of what I was looking for in the people that I helped, but I was wrong in even looking for anything at all. The true reward of helping others is that the act itself exceeds any other treasures.
What I’ve discovered through releasing myself of the bonds of being a people pleaser is that expecting compensation is not giving and one can’t expect to reach his or her potential as an individual in a constant pursuit of pleasing others. I have always known that I’m the happiest version of myself when I am helping others; however, I cannot genuinely help others if I am not happy.
In my favorite childhood novel, “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein, the tree’s heart was genuinely fulfilled through her unselfish love for the boy by giving him everything and expecting nothing in return. Until one can release their selfish desires in helping others, their hearts will never be truly fulfilled. Giving to people and helping others are some of the most beautiful aspects of life, as these actions which provide fulfillment to all parties involved. I understand now that my unhappiness stemmed from my desire to please others and desiring validation without realizing that good deeds are good enough on their own. I also understand now that my happiness derives from giving and expecting nothing in return.
“And the tree was happy.”
Summer Wigley is a psychology major from Ridgeland.
