Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- Mar. 20
You’ve got big plans for this month, Pisces— and so far, everything has been going your way. Your friends are ready to listen to what you have to say, you’re handling your stress pretty well and you’ve even managed to be eating healthy despite the candy that surrounds you. Jupiter’s moon, Callisto, has noticed your synergy with the universe and wants to kidnap you. I can tell you right now, Jupiter is a long way from here and you’re probably going to miss Valentine’s Day. You won’t be able to survive in space so I’m going to recommend you disguise yourself as a dog or perhaps a small tree for the time being until Callisto isn’t so hot for you anymore.
Aries, the Ram: Mar. 21- April 19
You’ve got travel written all over your future in the next few weeks, Aries. It may be a friend or relative who’s come from out of town for a few days, or you might be swept off your feet by a dazzling stranger, but one thing is for sure; you’re going to have to go to the airport at least twice this month! Yay! And that’s not all the good news– according to my crystal ball, you’ve got a big surprise in store for you sometime around Feb. 25. No word yet on what it is, but it’s going to be big.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
Something’s not right about this month, Taurus. Lately, no matter what you do, you just can’t seem to plan anything. You’re mixing up Tuesday and Thursday, your service keeps dropping right before your text goes through, and you’ve spent more than one night this week scratching your head and wondering where all your friends are. Pluto has been messing with your ability to communicate, and there’s only one way to fix it: tin foil. Yes; I am sorry to say, if you want to hang out with anyone, you’re going to have to block that interference in your brain with a tinfoil hat. Otherwise, have fun being alone for the rest of the month.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
You’ve been strapped for cash, Gem, and for whatever reason the Cosmic Bank of Fortune has no pity for you. But don’t worry! Neptune is about to take a dive for you, and before the end of the month you’ll be swimming in treasures untold. Someone special will surprise you with an unexpected gift, a teacher or boss is going to recognize your hard work, your parents will finally give you grocery money, your kids you don’t even have yet will be accepted into the top preschool in your neighborhood and no one will even notice when you sprout a gopher tail on Feb. 16 that won’t go away until the next full moon. Way to go, Gem.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
For the past few days, you’ve been feeling a chill go down your spine as you walk around, almost as if someone’s watching you. This sensation, in combination with the freezing temperatures of late, has sent you into violent fits of the shivers that have warranted some less than desirable glares in public. But the stars have good news for you! Someone has noticed how cool you are, Cancer, and they’re just looking for the right way to tell you. Unfortunately, the certain sign that’s been trying to catch your eye is extremely shy, and as much as they want to, they won’t make the first move. Break the ice next time you feel a little shiver by shouting at the top of your lungs, “WHO WANTS TO LOVE ME?” It’s totally hot, and you’ll get so many dates.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
This could be your time, Leo. For years you’ve been giving your all, showing everyone exactly what you are capable of. Your talents have brought us all to laughter and tears, filled us with terror and shock, brought us weeping with joy to our knees. All eyes are on you Leo, and, for once, you could be on your way to making history. No one will laugh at you ever again, you’ll date every supermodel in the world and finally you’ll be recognized as one of the most talented actors of all time. On the 28th day of this month, you, Leo, will become immortal. Unless you are not Leonardo DiCaprio, in which case you’re not a true Leo and you’re going to spill Fun Dip all over your bed.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sep. 22
Lately you’ve been all about passion, Virgo. Whether you’re on the brink of a new romance or falling in love all over again with an old flame, the heat is on. But even for someone who wears their heart on their sleeve, all this emotion is putting knots in your neck and shoulders, and if you’re not careful you’re going to end up with more kinks than a pair of furry handcuffs. Luckily, the stars have a built-in relaxation day for you this month. You’ve got one hot, luxurious bath in store for you around Feb. 24, so avoid showering for a couple days and reap the benefits of a nice long soak in the tub.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23- Oct. 22
Tone it down, Libra. You are way off balance. Everything that sounds good in your head is coming out sounding like something a serial killer would say, and lately your jokes have been met with more raised eyebrows than laughs. You’ve got to get some chill, bro. But it’s not entirely your fault; Uranus hasn’t been on your side lately. Uranus, which has been in Aries since 2010, is kinda grumpy. You need to work as a team, you and Uranus, and the best way to do that is by dancing. So dance with Uranus. Once you work things out with Uranus you’re going to that silver-tongued charmer everyone knows and loves.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
Scorpio, you’ve been a klutz lately. Tripping over your own feet, spilling glass after glass of milk and always putting your shirt on inside-out. You thought you had abandoned all this silliness last year when you finally broke free of Mercury’s retrograde wrath, but it seems another star force is playing tricks on you. This time, it’s ever-loving Venus who is trying to get you to fall in— or out of— love. Stop working so much and focus on what really matters to you most—you’ll find there’s a romantic streak in you that’s been waiting to come out for years. And wear sandals if you can; my sources tell me someone is hell-bent on tying your shoelaces together.
Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22- December 21
All you have to do is aim, Sagittarius. For the next few weeks only, Cupid hath lent you his bow so that you might strike anywhere you please. (Just be careful where you point that thing.) You’re irresistible right now, so if you’ve been trying to work up the nerve to ask someone out or have been racking your brain trying to think of ways to spice up your relationship, just sit back and relax. If you were wondering when you should drop your mixtape, the time is now. You’re so hot right now that someone could boil water in your mouth. This is also a good month for you to take up a career as a private detective and maybe have a torrid romance with some noir-aesthetic personality.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
There is a whole lot of pasta in your future, Capricorn. An ocean of pasta. At first you’ll try to avoid it, but the pasta will find you and there is nothing you can do about it. I am still trying to decipher the star charts and find a reason as to why, for the next few weeks, pasta will consume you (or, rather, you’ll consume pasta), but I can’t. My advice is to get creative with it. If you’re trying to stay away from carbs, you’re in luck, because I foresee macaroni necklaces becoming a major trend for spring fashion. There could be a bit of money in your future— just don’t let the opportunity pasta you by.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
Your temper’s been a little short lately, to say the least. It’s not like you to lose your cool, Aquarius, and it’s starting to mess with the vibe of everyone around you. That’s because Mars has been pushing your buttons from 48,678,219 miles away. You’ve got to chill. Take a trip over the weekend, go on a break from it all and sit on top of some raised (but stable) surface and have a little chat with the universe. Maybe take Mars out on a little date. Wine and dine the Red Planet, talk pretty to it and all that. It can’t hurt to try and be a little charming. And who knows? You may even be getting lucky… stars at the end of the month.
