By Jake Thrasher
Taurus, the Bull: April 20-May 20
May is going to be good to you, Taurus. You’ve just spent a lot of time focused out of your mind on getting task after task done, and now you can finally sit back and let your creative juices flow. If you’ve made any big decisions lately, the stars indicate you should also take a breather on making any more, at least for a week or two. The stars also indicate that you will probably be kidnapped by pirates around the 18th, so remember to stay hydrated out there on the high seas. Your ticket home will be a monkey that goes by the name of Captain Tootsie and his son, Jamal. When you meet them, make sure you tell them a good recipe for kababs as payment for safe passage to your homeland.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21-June 20
Oranges are a major key for you this month, Gem. Eat them. Drink them. Smell them. Hear them. Gain their strength and absorb their vitality and vitamin C. You’re going to be in a big rush this month as you try and tie up some loose ends before the summer starts, and it’s important to take some time to stop and breathe in the midst of all the chaos. And when you take these breaks, make sure you eat an orange. Mars will also be moving in on you this month, so you might find yourself suddenly thrust into battles and challenges at work, at home, or defending mankind from invading extraterrestrials. You’ll need your strength. And how will you get this strength? Through the awesome and mighty power of oranges. You will also make friends with a lovely dog this month. Good for you!
Cancer, the Crab: June 21-July 22
Been a bit down in the dumps lately? Chin up, Cancer, things are about to turn around. The stars have foretold a month full of music and dancing this month, with fulfilling relationships and lots of opportunities for making lasting memories. This will be a great month for you to make lasting connections that can span long distances and even longer stretches of time. After all, love is eternal. This is also a great month for you to pick up the electric guitar or tambourine. This will also be a time of adjustment for you – you might need to get used to some new digs, change the temperature on your A/C or finally accept that you are a wizard. The key is to embrace change, literally. Go around your entire house or apartment and collect all the loose change. Put it in a jar. Give that jar a hug. It will bring you good fortune.
Leo, the Lion: July 23-Aug. 22
There’s treachery afoot, Leo, and you need to be on your guard. A new environment in your future is full of unfamiliar faces, and not all of them should be trusted. It won’t be easy, what with your kind and friendly nature, but just be careful. Luckily this month, due to the position of Venus, the sensual planet, you will be able to smell other people’s personalities. This should ease the transition ahead, and make you more comfortable as you settle down. Your sense of smell will also make you very popular at wine tastings, cocktail parties and search parties. If you are not a true Leo, you will not develop this ability. However, if you are not a true Leo, your outfit will be on point every day this month so you really don’t need to worry about anything.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23-Sep. 22
You’ve been patient a long time now, Virgo, and the time has finally come for you to shine again. You’re incredibly attractive, smart, funny and just downright charming, and now everyone is going to know. You’ll shine this month, Virgo, as you enter into a new season of the year and of your life where you will truly be able to discover who you are. You’ll also find yourself reconnecting with someone over an old bond or relationship around the 29th that could last for the next couple months. Best of all, due to the moon’s gravitational influence on you from the 12th to the 17th, this month you’re going to be better than average at swimming and golf, and you’ll wash and fold your clothes in one sitting at least twice.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23-Oct. 22
Careful, Libra, your temper is showing! You’ve been locked in a battle of common sense with nearly everyone it seems, and you have (understandably) had enough. It’s time to go off-grid and relax. Take some deep breaths. Go somewhere and reconnect with nature. Mother moon has been missing you dearly, so she’s been calling you to come as close to her as you can possibly get. Follow your instincts and get up high. Maybe take a hike up a mountain. The stars have told me there is a great wisdom that awaits you somewhere up very high, higher than the tallest tree you are currently in sight of. I can’t reveal much, but I can tell you that wisdom will more than likely take the form of a singing duck.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23-Nov. 21
Lucky you, Scorpio. This month the cosmos tell me you are in for some very good luck. Your confidence should be through the roof, because you are going to have the best streak of good fortune you’ve had all year. Other people might be temporarily irked with you for happening upon such wondrous prosperity, but you’ve just got to boogie that hate away. In fact, Jupiter is looking fondly on you, and as the king of the planets, has destined you to rise to disco royalty this month. So get out your most funk-a-licious shoes, grab someone sweet and do whatever disco dance moves over to the nearest club to rise as the official Disco Champion of the Entire Universe.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22-Dec. 21
This is a good month for you to take on a new goal, Sagittarius, and I have it on excellent cosmic authority you will be successful and fortunate in your endeavors. Seek and you shall find. Something very great and mysterious awaits you out there in the great big world, and Pluto, planet (yes, planet) of mystery, wants you to find it. You might discover a new hobby, career path or sea animal. You’re normally pretty level headed and like to think before you act, but around the 16th your energy will temporarily shift, liberating you just enough to walk a little on the wilder side of your personality, step out of your comfort zone and go exploring. Be careful when flying over the Adriatic Sea on the 20th and the 28th. Also you will be chased by clowns in all your dreams.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22-Jan. 19
The Universe has been giving you a lot of mixed signals lately, and you could use some help sorting everything out. You’re not one to feel unsteady, so all the confusing signs pointed you this way in that in love, career and academic respects has left your head spinning. Fear not, for the planet of the confused and astounded, Uranus, has come to your rescue. Expect to see violently obvious universal signs guiding you in uncertain times this month. Can’t decide where to eat tonight? Let a majestic beam of neon-blue light guide you there. Can’t pick out a movie to watch on date night? Listen for the booming voice of the cosmos to scream it into your ear. Honestly, the signs of heavenly guidance this month will be so blatantly obvious you could see them with your eyes closed.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20-Feb. 18
Something doesn’t feel right, Aquarius, and once again your psychic abilities have not failed you. There is evil approaching, as this month you will be faced with your greatest enemy of all time, Aquarius. For centuries it has been foretold only amongst the most secret of cosmic societies that in this month, during 2016, you shall come face to face with this fearsome beast, you must be strong. Do not let it see your fear, and never let it believe you are weak. This will be the ultimate test of your strength, but if you remain focused and believe in yourself, you can prevail. The only way to defeat this unspeakable evil will be to lure it using your charm, good looks and wit, to a volcano and then drop it in. The victory will give you good luck for the rest of the summer, and you will also enjoy a scrumptious BBQ this month. Also, the horrendous enemy will more than likely take the most evil and despicable shape of the treacherous koala.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19-March 20
Your nerves are in bunches, aren’t they Pisces? For the first time in a long time you’ve been feeling like a goldfish in a box of Animal Crackers – an odd fish out. But never forget, you are a one-of-a-kind rainbow fish, not just any old trout. Now is the time for you to reinvent yourself. As you enter into the season of long, hot days and tons of sunshine, take a second to lounge by the pool and really decide who you want to be. Mercury’s rotation will inspire you with the wisdom for any upcoming decisions. You’ll be bursting with energy! You’ll also be bursting with the charisma and spunk needed to become the perfect Roller Derby participant, and on the 21st, I foresee a great victory for you, but you’re your own boss, so do whatever you want.
Aries, the Ram: March 21-April 19
It seems like things are finally starting to wind down around you, but you just can’t seem to level out, Aries. All the deep breaths in the world aren’t enough to ground you. For everyone else, May is feeling like month one of a great vacation, but for you it’s month one of running a three-month show. People will turn to you for guidance and wisdom this month, so make sure you are engaging in activities that actually matter to you. Don’t force yourself into anything, take your time and remember who’s in charge here (you). Luckily all your influence combined with Saturn’s rotation this month will you give the ability of mind-control between the hours of 4:30 and 9 p.m. Just note that when I say “mind control” I mean you’ll have total control over your own mind, not other people’s. But that sort of mental focus can be more powerful than you think!
