Virgo, the Virgin: August 23 – September 22
Virgo, your time has come! Classes have been stressing you out, and Lord knows you’ve been trying to manage a break out for some time now, but all shall be well! Your outer beauty is about to be revealed. This year on your birthday when the clock strikes midnight, a glorious golden light will beam down on you from the heavens, levitating you in the air about three feet. Then, the transformation will occur, as the light transforms your old body into a beacon of beauty and grace, and you will officially be a year older. If your birthday already passed, and this transformation didn’t occur…maybe next year.
Libra, the Scale: September 23 – October 22
Make sure you’re staying hydrated, Libra! The Sun’s position in the sky around noon this Saturday will cause you to feel very hot, especially if you are standing outside. The best way to combat this ill fortune is to drink lots of water, but beware: at some point in the next month, you will be in the bathroom when something really cool happens. All your friends will be telling their grandkids about it for years to come, but you’re going to miss it. Sorry.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: October 23 – November 21
Something has been bothering you deep down, Scorpio, but you can’t quite figure out what’s wrong. The answer will come to you if you consume a taco sometime between now and the next month. If you fail to consume the taco, you’ll never figure it out and it will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. But don’t worry, if it were really that important, you would have remembered it by now…right?
Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22 – December 21
You’ll be in high demand this month, Sagittarius! Suddenly you are the big man on campus! Make sure your phone is always on you and charged — a relative will be calling you to talk about nothing important for an hour and half, and then some “rando” from high school who you didn’t even know had your number will text you out of the blue. Get ready for some long, awkward walks down memory lane!
Capricorn, the Goat: December 22 – January 19
Capricorn, avoid puddles this month. Carry an umbrella with you at all times. And if there is one thing you do, DO NOT trust ANYONE who offers to grant you one wish. If you encounter anyone who does, you must roar at them and run away as fast as you can. Otherwise, they will get you.
Aquarius, the Water Bearer: January 20 – February 18
Be careful, Aquarius! The stars foretell that you are going to buy something really expensive online that you really don’t need in the near future! You’ll convince yourself that said item is really cool, or that you will get a lot of use out of it, or that you actually really need it, but it’s all a lie. Chances are, you’ll think it’s cool for about a month, then hate it. Don’t be a fool, Aquarius. Oh, and offer to grant strangers one wish. It’ll be funny.
Pisces, the Fish: February 19 – March 20
A lucky penny is in your future! Sometime in the next month, you will feel a sudden and strange urge to look down. You’ll try to resist this urge, but it will overpower your entire body. Suddenly, your soul will disconnect from your mortal body, and you will hover above yourself in limbo. While you’re up there, you’ll notice a penny on the ground. Float back into your body and go pick it up for two hours and thirty-two minutes of good luck!
Aries, the Ram: March 21 – April 19
Set your alarm clocks, Aries, because you’ll be running late a lot this month. The Forces of the Universe have temporarily turned on you, and little psychic trolls have tied invisible weights to your ankles, slowing you down. The trolls live on and around campus and tend to strike while you are on your way to class. The best way to avoid them is to stomp your feet really hard whenever you walk to scare them away.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20 – May 20
You’ve got a fun weekend in store, Taurus! You’ll be spending a lot of time outdoors, surrounded by lots of happy people, eating and drinking and laughing with friends! But be careful. In the midst of all your joyous celebrations, you may look away for one second and then…POOF! All the people you were hanging out with are suddenly gone, and you’re standing in a sea of strangers. But never fear, Taurus! A friendly squirrel wearing a bowtie shall appear and guide you back to your posse.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21 – June 20
This month, your dreams will come true. You and your friends will make dinner or lunch plans in a group text, and they’ll actually work out! But it’s not all peaches and cream, Gemini, for the universe will test you this month in ways you never imagined. This month, you will have the responsibility of choosing the restaurant where everyone wants to eat. Be sure to consider everyone’s feelings and tastes before you choose. Friendships hang in the balance.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21 – July 22
I hate to tell you this Cancer, but you’re going to sneeze on someone. It’s going to be so embarrassing. It will come totally out of nowhere, and after it happens, you’re going to be like, “Oh my god, the horoscope in the paper was right.” Be sure to carry tissues, wet wipes and hand sanitizer in a fanny pack everywhere you go, so you can be ready when disaster strikes.
Leo, the Lion: July 23 – August 22
Leo, this month, you will accomplish something great. The stars indicate it will be an award in some kind of competitive eating competition or perhaps an athletic victory. The position of Pluto around the middle of the month will also temporarily give you the power to see ghosts and talk to animals. If that doesn’t happen for you, then you are not a true Leo. I’m sorry.
McKenna Wierman is our staff astrologer.
