This election season has been a very stressful and emotional one. Today will be a stressful day as we all go to the polls and wait to find out who will be the next president of the United States. What better way to spend this nerve-wracking time than stuffing your face with delicious election day treats? Since each of our candidates are so very different, they all deserve a special recipe dedicated to them. So choose a candidate, make his or her tasty treat and eat yourself into a calorie-induced coma to ride out this election.
Trump: The Nasty Woman Sandwich
This American version of the Croque Madame is the perfect way to enjoy a fancy sandwich with just the right amount of misogyny.
What you’ll need:
-2 slices of white bread
-2 large eggs
-4 slices of deli ham
-4 slices of cheddar cheese
-Ranch dressing
-2 tablespoons butter, separated
-Salt and pepper
Heat 1 tablespoon of butter in each of your skillets over medium low heat. Once the butter has melted, add the two large eggs to the skillet, making sure the whites do not touch. Add the two slices of bread to the other skillet until lightly toasted on the first side, then flip the bread to toast the other side. Top the toasted bread slices with ranch while still in the skillet. Place two slices of ham and cheese on each of the slices of bread. Use a spatula to place an egg on top of the open faced sandwich, then cover the pan with foil and turn off the heat. Let the pan sit for 5 minutes to melt the cheese, then top the sandwich with salt and pepper to taste.
Clinton: Basket of DeplOREOs
Nothing is sweeter than this treat you can eat while simultaneously exerting your self-proclaimed moral superiority over the Republican party!
What you’ll need:
-1 package of Oreos
-1/2 stick of butter
-8oz cream cheese, softened
-1 small package of instant vanilla pudding
– 8 oz Cool Whip
– 3 cups milk
– 1 cup sugar
– a splash of vanilla extract to taste
– red, white and blue sprinkles
Crush half of the Oreos covering the bottom of your pan, then cover the Oreos with melted butter. Mix the milk, cream cheese, pudding mix and sugar in a mixing bowl and blend until the texture is consistent. Add your Cool Whip and vanilla extract to this mixture and whisk until completely blended. Finally, add your red, white and blue sprinkles to the mix to show your patriotism with a sugary, symbolic gesture. Pour this mixture over the Oreo-lined pan, and take your remaining Oreos and cover the top of the dessert. Chill for 2 to 3 hours, then serve.
Gary Johnson: Liquid Garyjuana
Since we aren’t in Colorado or another state where Gary’s favorite ingredient is legal, we are going to improvise a bit. This recipe should only be enjoyed responsibly by those age 21 and up.
What you’ll need:
– 1/2 oz rum spiced
– 1/2 oz blue curacao
– 1/2 oz coconut rum
– 1/2 oz melon liqueur
– 1 splash Sour Mix
– 1 splash of lemon-lime soda
– 12 oz pineapple juice
– a few cherries and pineapple chunks
Put all measured ingredients in a cocktail mixer and shake vigorously. Pour in a fancy glass, garnish with cherries and pineapple chunks, and then enjoy!
Jill Stein: Meat(less) tacos
This ambiguous recipe is inspired by Jill Stein’s ambiguous version of vegetarianism. Does this recipe include meat? Who knows!
What you’ll need:
– 1 bag of meatless beef crumbs (Or 1 lb of actual beef crumbles)
– 1 tablespoon butter
– season salt
– salt and pepper
– One tomato
– 1 bag of shredded lettuce
– A small container of sour cream
– tortilla or hard taco shells
Heat the 1 tablespoon of butter on medium heat in a skillet, then add the (meatless) beef crumbles along with season salt, salt, and pepper to taste. Cook the (meatless) beef crumbles until they are completely browned, then drain any excess liquid. Assemble taco with the garnishes of your pleasure, then devour your potentially meatless treat.
