As Valentine’s Day approaches, single ladies, so does the reminder of the horror and entropy of eternal loneliness that the cosmos have unfortunately pledged to be part of your cold, loveless fate. But realizing that you’re meant to wake up ***baeless, post up ***baeless, ride in your Altima ***baeless and floss on Instagram ***baeless for the next sixty years/until your cat proofreads your obituary is no reason not to have a fulfilling life, even if you must spend it forever alone. If you can’t find a man by Saturday (which means you probably won’t have one by graduation, either, smh) plan ahead and check out the following spots where you can retire both yourself and all of your romantic hopes and dreams for the rest of your existence.
1. Our Lady of the Mississippi Abbey
Get thee to a nunnery! Our Lady of the Mississippi Abbey, located in Iowa, not Mississippi, is the perfect place for you ladies who are willing to give up on every male gaze except one.
2. Antarctica
Drier and more desolate than your inbox is, a desert and the fifth-largest continent, Antarctica, located at the South Pole. Who needs a Spring Break bod when spring is negative 81 degrees Fahrenheit? Your unshaved legs covered with all of those pairs of leggings you’ve accumulated will keep you warm. Plus, this far from Wifi, there’s no way you’ll witness any Facebook engagements. Probably a bunch of penguin mating rituals, though. Watch Happy Feet before you go.
3. The Velvet Ditch
Can’t get a ring by spring? Add more springs!
So, single ladies, you can follow all of these tips — and the GPS directions to these places — or you can ignore internet listsicles that attempt to box its female readers into seeking love lives that are centered around male validation, or being with men in the first place. I die a thousand lives on my home planet of Twitter, where women can easily learn new rules about what it means to be a proper woman, rules that mask themselves into self-help for women, rules that are spawned from the depths of misogyny, rules that no woman asked for. For being single on Valentine’s Day, don’t go to a nunnery, or frozen deserts or into 30 more hours of coursework: go to New Orleans. It’ll be Mardi Gras weekend, and gas is cheap. Turn up and bring back a king cake.
Prosper with the knowledge that no single date or wedding ring or relationship status or random timeline assigned to either your heart or vagina has anything to do with what you’re worth.
