An academic colleague of mine got into my dream school. When she told me, tears of joy welled in my eyes as I congratulated her. She’s still weighing her options, but it’s looking like she will be attending my dream school in the fall. I’m so incredibly happy for her; she is honestly one of the kindest, most genuinely good people I have ever met. I hope she has a lifetime of success and happiness ahead of her.
I am so envious it makes my bones ache.
My colleague and I did not apply to the same programs; we only applied to one of the same schools, but as I hear my professors discuss her options with her, I feel a knife twist in my gut. Success isn’t a competition, but when I hear about her success compared to my failures, I find myself staring at the list of my successes like an empty tomb.
When I applied to graduate school, I knew that it would be a long shot. I applied to incredibly competitive programs where they accept fewer than 10 applicants per program. I knew, logically, that I would more than likely hear “no.” Thus far, I have received a decision from five out of six schools: all “no.” Knowing I would not get in did not make it easier. I’m tender-hearted and tie my value far too closely to my success, so I cried at each “no.” I read each rejection email over and over again.
Determined to be efficient, if nothing else, I applied to jobs. Thus far, I’ve been told I don’t have enough experience to be a secretary. I’ve had one interview I feel badly about, and I have otherwise sent off numerous job applications I don’t expect to hear back from . My goals have shifted from grad school to gainful employment and from gainful employment to any employment.
People with my major often drift a bit after graduation. Many teach-— not that I got into any teaching programs I applied to-— others work jobs in all types of fields. Logically, I know I’m going to be fine. But I graduate in May with no firm prospects, no definite plans.
I am terrified, frustrated, devastated and envious.
There’s no way to prepare students for this. My advisor has done a great job constantly reassuring me that I’ll be fine, but that doesn’t change the reality of facing my family and friends with a big question mark instead of a future. I’ve been breastfed off the five-year-plan with nothing to show for it. I did the work, I had an internship, I have good grades and I will graduate from the honors college.
I have no idea what’s next, but I have no choice but to trudge forward, regardless.
Holly Baer is a senior religious studies major from Flowood.
