I was raised Catholic, but I wouldn’t call myself Catholic. That being said, this new pope is dope!
Apologies for the easy rhyme, but he seems like a pretty swell guy. He’s good. How good? I mean besides ignoring the sexual abuse thing, I’d say he’s pretty good. For example, if you were to come to me and say, “Hey, Phil, buddy, on a scale of 1-10, how good is this pope?”
I might say, “Hey, guy, I don’t know if I feel comfortable calling you buddy, but I think I’d give this new pope a 10.”
Maybe you would come back at me with, “I feel comfortable calling you buddy, why can’t you reciprocate? What’s the problem? Also, Phil, would you say this pope is the best pope?”
My response would probably be, “Listen, we just met. No need to rush this. I just think calling you buddy at this point would be disingenuous. How about we get to know each other better? And, as for the pope, I think I might call him the best pope, although I must admit my knowledge of all the popes is pretty limited. I only really know about the last two. That last one seemed kind of like a bummer.”
“Benedict?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. He seemed real tired all the time.”
“You think that’s why he retired?”
“Sure.”
At this point you might pause, scratch your nose, touch your face, bite your nails or something. Maybe you’d crack a knuckle real loud and then we’d both look at your hands, and you’d get kind of embarrassed. Then you’d look up at me and ask, “You hear what Rush Limbaugh said about the new pope?”
“You mean how the pope’s a Marxist advancing Barack Obama’s secret leftist agenda to ruin capitalism for everyone?” I’d say.
“Yeah. How about that?” you’d respond.
“Well that guy’s show is dependent on listeners,” might be the start of my answer. Then I might continue like this, “So he probably says things that he knows are stupid and will make people angry. And let’s be honest, the Bible isn’t pro-idolatry of money or anything, so I think the pope is on point for this one. Ultimately, if I were Pope Francis and considered the Bible’s word to be important, I’d probably criticize unrestrained capitalism, too.”
At this point, I’d imagine you’d nod and make a thoughtful noise like, “Hmm …” or something. Then you’d change the subject and we’d talk about how disappointing the most recent “Die Hard” movie was.
Phil McCausland is an English major from Carlisle, Pa. Follow him on Twitter @PhillMcCausland.
-Phil McCausland
pjmccaus@go.olemiss.edu
