Curious what the rest of the new year has in store for you? Well, worry not; your 2016 horoscope is here! Regular monthly horoscopes will resume the second Wednesday of February.
(Illustration by: Jake Thrasher)
Aquarius, the Water Bearer: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Aquarius, you’ve been waiting around for what feels like centuries for the “Age of Aquarius” to begin. Well, it’s not starting this year — but fear not, because 2016 will be about as close as you’re going to get. Good fortune is in your future. You may as well have swallowed some sort of cosmic gum, because you’ll be digesting wondrous good luck for the next seven years, starting now.
Don’t go quitting your day job and buying up Powerball tickets, however — you still need to put forth some effort yourself. Focus on being your best version of you and try to grant as many wishes as possible. You’ll be rewarded with candy or cheese.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19 – March 20
Lately, you’ve been feeling kind of like a small fish in a big pond, Pisces. It seems like all of a sudden, your friends are all going in different directions, and you can hardly tell which end is up. But don’t you worry your head, little fishy. You’re a precious little fish taco that everyone wants a bite of — in a good way! This year the full moon in late February will grant you the power to see in the dark, and the clarity it will bring you will help you to see what is really important in your life. In 2016, try to spend as much time as you can with all your friends and family. You’ll need their support when you embark on an exciting new career opportunity around May, possibly in cave exploration or as an usher in a movie theater.
Aries, the Ram: March 21 – April 19
Don’t get soft now, Aries. This year you’re going to need every ounce of that famous strength. 2016 will be a year of new challenges, adventures and opportunities. I have it on good authority you may even encounter a giant mollusk— or possibly a squid— next fall. This year is going to be epic for you, Aries, so make sure you are taking good care of your body and your personal health. Your positive attitude will reward you in late April, when you reconnect with an old friend from another life. Oh, and don’t put any frogs in your pockets, or you’ll end up with warts on your hands.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20 – May 20
Taurus, you are tough, but you’ve been feeling just the slightest bit nervous about the upcoming year. Suddenly, your rock-solid self is feeling unsure about the future, and while you’ve done a great job of keeping it cool, the stars can hear your internal screaming. They’ve asked me to ask you to please cool it. 2016 is your year to relax. You will finally learn to let go and let the chips fall where they may. That being said, you should also make room in your home for a new little buddy. Stray dogs and cats are going to be flocking to you like white on rice, especially around the full moon each month.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21 – June 20
This is your time to blossom, Gemini — both sides of you. Venus and Mars are going to bring out the stronger sides of your personalities this year, but instead of causing conflict, this is a chance to find peace in yourself. When you do, you’ll find that you can accomplish anything! Try lion taming, underwater welding or spelling “restaurant” correctly on the first try. Float around the world in a hot air balloon, write a screenplay and swim across the English Channel. Whatever you put your heart into, you can accomplish! Except for licking your elbow. You’ll never be able to do that. Ever.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21 – July 22
This is your year for travel, Cancer! Pack your bags, get your passport ready and take off — the world is your oyster. But don’t be dismayed if you can’t quite spare the change for a grand European tour. There are other ways to widen your eyes to the ways of the world, and you’ll recognize the opportunities when they arrive. Beware of the strange appearance of a one-eyed snaggletoothed old man around March, though. His name is Stan. Watch out for Stan.
Leo, the Lion: July 23 – August 22
Leo, you’ve got a lucky star stuck to your back and it just loves you! That’s not the only thing showing you love this year — Cupid has his eye on you, so watch out! Come mid-March, prepare to find yourself head over heels with someone who is truly special. Everyone is going to want to give you a back rub or touch your face in the hopes of catching a little smear of your luck. You’ll also discover a new secret power and unlock your ultimate shapeshifting powers! Unless you’re not a true Leo— in which case, I don’t know what’s going to happen to you.
Virgo, the Virgin: August 23 – September 22
You’ve been a regular Peter Pan, Virgo, but this year you’ll be doing a lot of growing up. Time to throw out the nightlight and the race car bed and start wearing your retainer. The time has come for you to put on those big kid pants and face the big scary world. And for whatever reason, you’ll have a big cosmic “kick me” sign on your back come summertime. Get ready to be the victim of office pranks, TV gags and kidney jabs galore. But don’t worry, Virgo. Once everyone sees your fun-loving spirit, they’ll come to respect you for the mature individual you are.
Libra, the Scale: September 23 – October 22
You’ve been longing for some fresh air, some new energy and a fresh scene. And Libra, you are about to get what you’ve been asking for. 2016 will be a big year for change in your life, but you’re going to handle it like a champ. You’re also going to recycle more than you have ever before this year: you’ll remember to turn the lights off when you leave the room, and you’ll use reusable water bottles instead of plastic. You may even befriend a gaggle of assorted forest creatures who help clean your house and do laundry.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: October 23 – November 21
Scorpio, you are going to be the hottest thing of 2016, no question. I mean, just look at you. You’re adorable! You’ll be running into a little trouble at the beginning of the year as you settle into what may feel like a new skin, but in time, you’ll find you’ve actually busted out of your shell. You’re also going to develop a passion for crafting artisan kites and flying them everywhere. There might be a gold nugget or two in your future.
Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22 – December 21
You spent all last year giving and giving, Sagittarius, and the universe would like to reward you… with the gift of music. For the rest of the year you’ll be speaking in sick rhymes, dropping killer beats and infectious jams. Even your snores will be musical this year. If you stub your toe, only poetry will flow from your lips. If you cry, every tear drop will sound like a tinkling wind chime as it trickles down your cheek. Don’t believe me? Try breathing through your mouth for the next few days and see what people say.
Capricorn, the Goat: December 22- January 19
You’ve always been ahead of the curve, Cap, but you’re a real trendsetter this year. Start wearing cargo pants and flip flops and watch the world flap around behind you. Catch a cold — soon everyone will be sneezing! This year, you are going to be the final authority on what is what, which way is up, and pretty much everything else that matters. Hell, vote for the next president! You’ve got the power.
