Aries Horoscope (Illustration by: Jake Thrasher)
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
Where have you been, Aries? You’re in a time of major transition right now, and your usual down-to-earth demeanor is totally out of whack. You need to take a second to put your feet back on the ground and take a look at the world around you. The best way to do this is to travel somewhere secluded, away from any ant hills, and using only your own toes, bury your legs at least six inches in the ground or more, depending on how tall you are. Stand alone, literally connected to the earth for at least an hour and a half. Pretend you are a tree; connect with the soil; allow a family of squirrels to build a nest in your hair. Once you feel like you’re grounded again, you may dig yourself free and re-enter society. You’ve also got some money in your future, so who knows— if you dig deep enough with your toes, you might find something valuable.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
Take a hike, dude. You have got to relax. It’s high-time you took a personal day, Taurus, because you are being a major buzzkill. This month your social life will be in full swing, too, so you need to take some time to de-stress and enjoy yourself. You’ve got a lot of pent-up anxiety and you need to let it out. The best way to do this will be by making a small cup of coffee and setting it aside until it is room temperature. Then, without spilling a single drop, take the coffee outside and hold it in front of your mouth. Scream at the cup of coffee as loud as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can until you have heated the coffee to at least 100 degrees Fahrenheit with the power of your voice. Then you will be stress free.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
The time has come for you to take charge, Gemini, because this month you are the leader to follow. Everyone will be waiting for you to make the next move, and you’re suddenly feeling like maybe you don’t have all the answers. Never worry, Gemini, because merciful Venus has come to your aid. A small green or brown newt will be popping up in unexpected places. It will have one large purple eye and be wearing small red shoes. This newt is a heavenly being, sent to give us advice and help you navigate through the next month. Be sure to feed him lots of bugs and bran cereal to help with digestion.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
Neptune is smiling on you, Cancer, and now is your chance to make some major lifestyle changes. You’re in a good place right now emotionally, physically and financially, which is more than most of the signs can say right now. You’ve been feeling extremely shy this past month, but now you’re starting to notice a new confidence about yourself – embrace it! Aries is positioned above you in such a way that your passions and ambitions are blessed and you will find success in most of your endeavors. But beware: the position of Mercury on the night of the 18th will cause you to temporarily turn into an actual crab with claws and beady eyes and everything. Avoid seafood restaurants and eateries during this time for your own personal safety.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
Look down and pay attention, Leo, because you are walking on a gold mine. This month, the gracious Saturn has looked on you with favor and showered a small fortune in small change at your feet. All month long you are going to be finding pennies, dimes and quarters every time you go out in public. Your observation skills are also sharper this month, and you’re likely to stumble upon a mysterious footprint or other previously undetected but valuable discovery, possibly related to solving a crime or locating a lost pet. You will also be able to set things on fire with your mind. If you do not develop pyrokinesis this March, you are not a true Leo.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sep. 22
Been feeling under the weather lately, Virgo? Don’t worry – you’re going to feel refreshed with the coming of long-awaited spring. Unfortunately, in order to become reborn this month, you will be shedding your skin, kind of like a snake except, like, 28 times worse. I won’t go into the exact details of what this process will be like, exactly, but I will say it won’t be pretty and it’s going to tickle a little bit. On the plus side, if you’ve been feeling self conscious about anything lately, except those feelings to be long gone by the 26th. Side note: the 14th is not a good day for you to perform open heart surgery on yourself.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23- Oct. 22
You’re having a bit of a growth spurt, Libra. You may be noticed you’ve gotten just a little bit taller lately, and your skin turned a little green after that last little rainy spell we had. Then over the sunny weekend, you perked right back up again, right? There’s a new color to your face, almost like you’re glowing as the weather warms up. Your hair is growing faster than it ever really has before and you’re suddenly thirsty for nothing but water all the time. That’s because you are turning into a plant. How exciting! The process of becoming a plant is accelerated the more time you spend in the sun, and if you stand in one spot for an extended period of time you may become rooted to the earth, but don’t sweat it. After all, everyone knows plants don’t sweat!
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
There is an amazing opportunity awaiting you if you’re willing to go the extra mile, Scorpio. Deep in the forest, a little old lady is waiting to bake you a magical enchanted apple pie that will make all your dreams and good wishes come true. I also recommend you keep a pool towel with you at all all times, at least until the 25th of the month. I foresee at some point during the next month, the pool towel will save your life. I can’t say exactly how or why— you’re just going to have to trust me on this.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
It’s time for you to take some time off and visit some old friends. Pack your bags and go on a trip. But be sure to wear sunglasses, goggles and other protective eyewear everywhere you go. The stars indicate you are more than likely to end up with sunscreen in your eyes. I’m sorry. Just be proactive and maybe it won’t be so bad. On the plus side, when the sunscreen mishap does occur, I foresee a brand-new and unexpected acquaintance in your future. Maybe even a little romance — or at least a free dinner and some cool, new sunglasses.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
Pack your swimsuit, Cap, you’re headed towards some open water. You need to get out in the open and clear your head–you’ve been overthinking and overcomplicating things lately, and you need to unwind. Head to the beach, to the lake, or grab your favorite floatie and head to the pool. But be really careful–Pluto is feeling lonely and has taken a shining to you. If the dwarf planet catches you floating all by your lonesome out on the water, it will suck you out into the vastness of the open water and there you will drift for 15 days and 15 nights, surrounded by nothing but the great unknown in every direction. Always swim with a buddy.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
A major epiphany is coming your way. Get ready to feel struck by lighting, Aquarius. You’ve been struggling with a decision or choice lately that is going to have more impact on your life than you think, and on the 15th of the month you’re going to get hit with an answer. It will come in an unexpected form, like a rubber chicken or a plastic pirate hat, and it will be possibly the greatest realization you have ever had. Unfortunately, after the origin of the epiphany has made impact with your head, you will lose your memory for about 6 hours. The idea will be gone. It will be like it never happened. Really, there was no point in even revealing this horoscope to you because when it comes true, you won’t remember it and you’ll think I was making all this up. But I’m not— you just won’t remember.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
You’ve got a green thumb this month, Pieces. The moon (who just loves you) is doing a sort of fertility dance this month with Jupiter’s Europa, and, as a result, greenery, blossoms and fresh new life will be following wherever you go! Plant a garden or adopt a small cactus and watch it grow. Buy fresh flowers to decorate your living space or go pick up a lucky bamboo plant and let the good fortune bloom. Just, whatever you do, don’t plant sunflowers. If the moon sees you planting sunflowers it will become enormously jealous and use its gravitational powers to make the sunflowers grow to enormous sizes. As a result, giant alien space-bees traveling across the universe will become attracted to the giant pollen. The space bees will invade the planet and take over the world. So, for the sake of humanity, avoid sunflowers.
-McKenna Wierman
