Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22 – December 21
Let’s be honest, Sagittarius. You spent the first six months of 2015 saying “this will be my year,” and the last five praying for 2016 to please be kinder to you. It hasn’t been a walk in the park, but this December you’re turning a corner! You’ve spent the whole year doing stuff for other people, and the time has finally come for you to sit back, relax and be pampered. Expect someone to take you out for a nice lunch, then treat you to a manicure. Not the type to go for a manicure? Too bad! You’re getting one anyway. Even if they have to tie you up. Even if they have to do it while you sleep. It can go the easy way or the hard way, but you’re going to have nice hands.
Capricorn, the Goat: December 22 – January 19
Capricorn, this month it’s time to pay attention to small objects and minor details. It’s the little things that will matter the most. Make sure you’re crossing all of your “I”s and dotting all of your “T”s. See what I did there? If you didn’t catch that then you’ll be needing to do some serious brain exercises. It’s of the utmost importance your noggin be in tip-top shape by the fifteenth of the month. The star forecast says you’re probably going to meet a bridge troll at some point this December, and if you don’t answer its riddle correctly, it may bite off at least one of your fingers. So study up. Or avoid bridges—it’s your life.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: January 20 – February 18
Whoa there, Aquarius, not so fast. You’ve been slacking off a little lately, taking the easy way out, mailing it in, and getting away with it too. But don’t get too comfortable, because December has plans for you. Starting on the fifth of the month you will be a hot social commodity. The holidays will be simply ruined unless you attend an endless train of parties, cookie exchanges and games of White Elephant. Your wallet will bleed, then die of starvation. You’ll listen to it weep from inside the back pocket of your jeans with every step you take. So wash the cheese puff dust off your fingers, lazy-bones, and get to work. The stars have promised that if you put in your best effort, you might just stumble on a buried treasure by the solstice. The treasure is probably cursed, though, so make sure you fix that before you touch it.
Pisces, the Fish: February 19 – March 20
Pisces, you know you have a tendency to stress out over the holidays. You’re an emotional calzone. You can’t help it, and we don’t blame you. Relax. Breathe. Stop picking at your nails. The moon has taken note of how hard you’ve been working and promises to reward you for all your hard work during the “Super Moon” on December 25. On that evening, a magical moon elf will appear at the foot of your bed and whisk you away in a golden chariot of moonlight, transporting you to the magical kingdom of Moon Land where the Queen of the Moon will pet you and tell you you’re pretty for 10 whole minutes. Unfortunately, it’s a one way ride, so you’ll have to take the bus home or have a friend come pick you up.
Aries, the Ram: March 21 – April 19
It may be the end of the year, Aries, but it’s time for new beginnings! Your star-spread indicates it’s prime time to pick up a new hobby, take an exciting vacation or dabble in something dangerously romantic. Yes, the new year has come a month early for you, but be warned, it’s not all fun and games. If you’re not careful, you may accidentally become so involved with whatever new thing you try out and neglect your family and friends. You’ll ignore the holiday spirit and spoil the magic of the season. You can recover if you re-enact the plot of a hopelessly cliché Christmas movie where you ruin everyone’s holiday, then suddenly realize what a Grinch you are just in time to save the day, but you’ll probably end up crying during family dinner. So just keep that in mind.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20 – May 20
Speaking of grump, you haven’t exactly been rosy-cheeked and jolly lately, have you, Taurus? Lately you’ve been kind of a Scrooge, and I hate to tell you this, but you’re killing the vibe. You don’t mean to, though – something’s on your mind and you just don’t know how to express yourself. But don’t fret! Holiday magic will sprinkle down on the eighteenth when you meet someone very special. You’ve got a great relationship in your future, a strong bond that will last for the rest of your life if you’re careful! Just be sure and make friends with an actual person and not, like, a sock puppet or something. Because whoever/whatever the first thing you’re introduced to on the eighteenth is, that’s it. There’s no going back. You’re bonded for life.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21 – June 20
Change is in the air for you, Gemini, and it looks like it could be really healthy for you. You might take on a new level of communication with a partner or start a new workout routine that will do wonders for your spring break bod. But don’t get carried away, now— the stars indicate that around the tenth you are going to consider getting a haircut. Fight it, Gemini. Fight it with all the strength in your body. Your hair is the source of your vitality, thanks to the position of Mars until next month, and if you cut even one single hair on your head, you will shrivel up like a dry sponge and crumple into dust like that one professor in the first Harry Potter movie. So unless you want to spend the holidays in a dustpan, don’t cut your hair.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21 – July 22
Cancer, you’ve been neglecting someone close to you, and it’s time to do something nice for them. The stars indicate this month you’ll be especially imaginative when it comes to romance, so don’t be afraid to let your creative spirit free. Make some waffles, take your special someone out dancing, buy them flowers and chocolates just because! But if I were you, I’d avoid cooking them dinner. The moon this month is having a crazy effect on you, and by 6 p.m. every night until the solstice, you won’t be able to use your hands to eat. Pretty crazy.
Leo, the Lion: July 23 – August 22
Leo, you lucky son of a nutcracker! You’ve had a pretty good run this year, and it’s all about to get even better. You’re going to win a prize for most handsome/gorgeous person wearing an ugly sweater. You’re going to wear suede and NOT ruin it, and you’re going to get everything you wish for this holiday season. Everything. Every single wish that you make between now and December 31st will come true. Maybe not immediately, but at some point it will. Also you’ll gain the ability to peel potatoes with your eyelashes. If you cannot do that, you’re not a true Leo.
Virgo, the Virgin: August 23 – September 22
Virgo, someone has their eye on you! Maybe it’s the way you’ve been combing your hair, or maybe it’s that shirt your mom bought you, but wow, someone is noticing you. Take a second to acknowledge your admirer, shoot them a smile and maybe take chance on something new. Just be aware, though— due to the position of Venus until the last week of the month, your tummy will be doing a square dance more often than usual, and you’re probably going to toot every time you laugh. It’ll be cute at first but it won’t be long before you’re burning holes in fabric chairs and lifting out of your seat. I’m not saying it’s going to get violent, but the farting will get ugly. So take full advantage of the admiration while you can.
Libra, the Scale: September 23 – October 22
Ah, Libra! It’s that time of year when your balancing skills are put to the test. You’re trying to juggle work, maintaining a social life and finding “you time” to can sleep and eat and bathe and all that. But even you and all your wisdom can’t do it all. You’re going to want to take a personal day, and my cosmic powers tell me you’re going to want to do it sometime between the sixteenth and the twenty-second. Take a nice hot bath, read a book or start that new Netflix series you’ve been putting off forever. Make yourself a big dinner. Eat that dinner in one bite. Finish all of it. The position of Pluto on the twenty-third will overtake your entire body and soul and plunge you into a deep hibernation like sleep for at least 26 hours and your body will need to work off the stored energy.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: October 23 – November 21
Balloons, Scorpio. Balloons. Mischievous Mercury may have finally freed you from its retrograde grip, but it’s still got one last hurrah in store for you. The planet has filled your head with balloons. They’ll fill your dreams, your thoughts and your desires. You’ll go to the store to get eggs and realize as you’re checking out that you’ve got a shopping cart full of inflatables. You’ll make yourself a new balloon animal pet everyday. But don’t run from this cosmic prank — embrace it. Build yourself a balloon animal army, take to the skies, claim your domain in the clouds as the Master of All Balloons as mankind cowers humbly from the ground.
