Illustration by Jake Thrasher.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23rd– Nov. 21st
Last month was kind of tricky, hey Scorpio? Time away from your family has been especially hard lately, and no matter how much you sleep, you never feel rested. Treat yourself to some new pajamas and your world will be turned upside down. Venus, a key planet this month, will be doing some crazy stuff in the cosmos. It’s alignment in relation to Aries is hyper-intensifying the planet’s power over life on earth, and doing some wacky things to the zodiac houses. In your case, it will soften the veil between life and death for you, but in a very mysterious way. The stars tell me that from the 19th to the 26th you will acquire the ability to resurrect any bird of your choice. Choose carefully.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22nd– Dec. 21st
You need to stay on top of your health this November, Sag. Working so hard last month has left you feeling kind of low, and you’ll need to boost your strength for the holidays. Make time to relax every day; hang out with friends, watch a movie or cook yourself a nice meal. But be warned: there are strange things happening in the universe this time of year, and Venus is behind it all. The planet has moved into a particular alignment that will mess with your mouth in a creepy curse-like way. Everything you eat will taste like sand until you drink the recommended daily intake of water each day. But honestly, you should be drinking that much water anyway to stay healthy. So work harder to stay hydrated than you were before.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22nd– Jan. 19th
Strange and marvelous things are about to happen for you this November. You’ve been taking on project after project, and while you’ve handled it all gracefully, you do need to rest. The universe is determined to give you a little break from your busy life, and Pluto, the forgotten planet, is playing a major role in your life, Cap. This month you’re going to get some great sleep, you’ll have plenty of time to work out (though whether or not you actually do is up to you,) and you’ll get to spend time with friends and family. Look forward to a happy surprise around the 22nd. Also, you will be transported into the realm that separates the living from the dead on the night of the next full moon for eight hours.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20th– Feb. 18th
Your friends and family need you, Aquarius. November is a time for family and celebration, but lately you’ve been feeling the winter blues. Maybe it’s been the hustle and bustle you’ve been dealing with recently, or a small personal tragedy has caught you off guard and left you feeling vulnerable and small. Worry not, my pet. You’ll feel all better soon. Love is coming to you from every direction this month, as Venus is holding a very intense power over the houses of the zodiac. The stars also tell me that the ghost of a jazz musician will be visiting you in the night several times this month. My advice is just roll with it, honestly. Jazz ghosts are pretty cool, they tend to smoke a lot but other than that they’re rather charming.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19th– March 20th
Feeling a little out of it these days? For the past few weeks, Pisces, your life has felt like a puzzle you can’t figure out how to put together. For a while it’s because you thought there was a piece missing, but maybe you’ve been building the wrong picture. It’s OK to start from scratch sometimes, and this month especially, your friends and family are here to support you. Things should feel really clear around the 24th, and you’ll know what your next step should be. This November Saturn is aligned with the moon in such a way that your aura will be radiating with confidence. Take advantage of that strength! Speaking of strength, yours will be super enhanced by the light of the moon, giving you super human powers whenever you’re exposed to lunar rays. You should, like, go lift some cars or whatever.
Aries, the Ram: March 21st– April 19th
It’s been a little rough lately for you, Aries. Frequent travel has left you weary and put you in a strange mood. You’re charm is rubbing off, and you’re starting to act like kind of a jerk. You need to take a break from it all and set aside some time for yourself. Turn off the TV, put away your phone, and go relax somewhere peaceful and quiet. Listen to jazz, read some poems, light some candles. Lay off intoxicating substances for a while too; the moon’s positioning right now is perfect for drawing out all the negative energy you’ve been building up over the past few months. You’ll be back in the swing of things in no time. This month, you will be visited by 10 ghosts. I don’t know what they are going to do to you, but it will probably be scary so mentally prepare for that.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20th– May 20th
You’ve finally managed to perk up a little, Taurus. Spending time with friends and family will do you good this month, buddy, and you can look forward to some words of encouragement from a loved one around the 13th that will make your whole year. Someone is noticing your talents, and wants to pay you to do something you love. Money is in your future. The stars have also warned me that Venus is doing some strange things this month, and starting on the 9th, anything you make out of clay and/or paper mâche will come to life. It may animate immediately, or even within your lifetime, but it will eventually live. You pretty much have the power to create souls. Be wise.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21st– June 20th
You’re so lucky this month, Gem! The stars know how stressful life can be, and how easily you’re emotions are touched, and they appreciate all the hard work you’ve been doing. Expect some good news around the 4th, and a surprise gift of love around the 21st. This month Neptune will be pulling on your aura in the strangest of ways, making you irresistible to dogs. You’re basically going to become the dog whisperer, which is so cool because you’re going to get to touch a dog every day this month.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21st– July 22nd
You’ve been a little spoiled crab, haven’t you, Cancer? Things are going pretty good for you, and on a larger scale, will continue to go well for the rest of the year. There may even be the development of a significant relationship in your near future. Love is in the air. However, in order to restore cosmic balance, the universe will have to take some action. This November, you will be cursed by an array of minor inconveniences. It will be very annoying, but you’re just going to have to tough it out and look on the bright side. Without experiencing some bad luck every now and again, it builds up around you and then comes crashing down with fiery biblical vengeance, and no one wants that.
Leo, the Lion: July 23rd– Aug. 22nd
Leo, November is the perfect time for you to get in touch with your softer side. Stress from school, work or your social life has been building up inside you, and you need to get it out. Take long walks and get as much sunshine as you can. Around the 15th, Jupiter will fall into a special position just for you. The gravity of the planet will soften your soul, making it easier and more comfortable for you to open up to people you trust and feel at ease. The aura of communication you develop will temporarily grant you the ability to understand the language of the beetles. Not the Beatles, just beetles.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23rd– Sep. 22nd
October was a busy month for you, to say the least, Virgo. Your schedule was jam-packed, and you felt like it was never going to end. Well, don’t worry, November is here and it promises to be a lot kinder to you. You’ll still have a lot to do, and there are definitely some large projects in your future, either at work or at home. Make sure you stay organized, and you’ll tackle everything with ease. Venus is smiling on you, and since we started the month off with a new moon, the planet of life has bestowed life upon you. You will have nine lives this month. Try not to use them all — no exchanges or refunds — lives expire at 11:59 p.m. on Nov. 30th, restrictions apply. Results may vary. Not redeemable in all 50 states.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23rd– Oct. 22nd
Great things are in store for you this November. Libra, you’re going to get some exciting and happy news from a family member this month. Mars has positioned itself perfectly in relation to Mercury, which heightens your primal instincts, making you alert and focused. You’re going to get a lot of work done in the next few weeks! Pluto’s positioning is also warping the balance of space and time that keeps you tethered to the present. As a result, you will gain the ability to time travel, but only while you are asleep. And, since you’re going to be so productive this month, you’re going to be really tired, so you probably won’t wake up while you time travel and therefore probably won’t notice.
