By Jake Thrasher
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
I’ve been telling you for months, but you just haven’t listened, have you, Taurus? You’ve been operating at 100 miles a minute, running on fumes, taking on way too many projects and personal struggles and you’re about to run out of steam. Well, relax for real this time, Taurus, because I see good things coming your way. The moon, mother of wisdom and foresight, has blessed you. By this time next year, you’ll be looking back over a long list of fabulous achievements and accomplishments. I also foresee an end to money woes, perhaps through the discovery of an ancient treasure or the mysterious death of a previously unknown eccentric billionaire relative (my condolences). Also, take a nap.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
Lately your stress level has been through the roof. It seems like nothing’s going your way, Gem, and every time you try to let a little optimism in your life, the cosmos come and slap you right in the forehead with some new woe. Stand strong, friend, for you’re about to be pleasantly surprised by the universe. You may notice over the next few weeks tiny specks of sparkle dust or glitter on your hands, bedsheets or the bottoms of your feet. This is because tiny space gnomes have been visiting you from the great beyond and sprinkling you with good luck. The more positive your attitude is over the next month, the luckier you will be. You’re also due for a night out on the town, so go and get yourself something pretty. Your friends are waiting to spend time with you.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
Something has been building up inside you over the past few weeks, Cancer, and you feel like you’re about to burst. There’s some good work-related news in your future too- perhaps a job offer, interview or promotion. Now would be the prime time to take that special someone you just can’t stop thinking about out on a date or buy that DVD box set you’ve had your eye on since February. Now would also be a good time to adopt a pet fish. Planetary sources tell me your ability to talk to aquatic animals will be in full swing this month, and with Uranus in conjunction with the moon, water-dwellers will be exhibiting extra intelligence. I’m not saying that fish are going to know the secrets of the stock market until May, I’m just saying it might be interesting to talk economics with Nemo.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
Your stress has paid off, Leo. All your hard work, good looks and charm have worked their magic, and now it’s time to chill. Take a look at the world around you, take the time to really enjoy life. Read a book for fun, start a new TV show, go out and tan by the pool. Being in a state of relaxation also helps with your ability to absorb new information, so as long as you’re going to and paying attention in class, you should do great on any upcoming exams. Your intensified powers of observations will also allow you to see colors previously unknown to mankind that you didn’t even know existed. This ability will last until April 30 at midnight. If you don’t see any new colors, then you are not a true Leo.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sep. 22
Things are kind of up in the air for you this month, Virgo. For whatever reason, the tricky cosmos have chosen only to reveal to me that something big is going to happen to you this month. As to whether it’s going to be good or bad, I cannot say. I only know whatever it is will have a significant impact on your life until at least August. I do, however, see one guaranteed positive event in your future. You are going to eat one fine dinner. Like, a really good dinner. One of those dinners that you talk to all your friends about, that you take pictures of not for social media, but for yourself so you can look back on it and remember how utterly delicious it was. This meal will be so good you’ll be telling your kids about it every time you go out to eat. Good luck with the other stuff, though.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23- Oct. 22
Hey, Libra. You’re really attractive this month. Everyone is going to want to spend time with you. Your best friend is going to want to hang out every day of the week, your teachers will email you if you miss class, your boss is going to want you scheduled for extra shifts and you’ll have dinner plans most every night. Stray dogs and cats will follow you home, squirrels and raccoons will lurk outside your window at night, longing to be near you. Refrigerator magnets will fly at you every time you go into the kitchen, you’ll find paperclips clinging to the back of your shirt, you won’t able to turn on a lightswitch without being shocked a little bit. You may even develop the temporary ability to control metal with your mind.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
Your work life has been crazy lately, and, I’m sorry to say, you’re about to get thrown for a loop. You may think you’ve seen it all, but around the middle of the month something new is going to come and shake up your world. Keep your cool, seek advice, and stay positive; you’ll make the right decision. Just be sure to keep in mind the other people who will be impacted by your choices. You’ll be receiving good news soon. April will be a great month for you to express yourself creatively, too. You might consider picking up a new hobby, like basket weaving or dam building. Avoid lemons this month, if possible. I can’t tell you why, but just trust me. You’ll also have extra energy this month, possibly enough to lift a small vehicle, but I wouldn’t test that out if I were you.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Love is in the air. It’s been awhile since you felt really connected to someone, but this month that’s all about to change, Sagittarius. In particular, I see a special romance budding in some activity related to square dancing, or possibly dancing on a square. Squares and dancing are both definitely involved. I also foresee that when you make a connection with this special someone you will be wearing either red or pointed shoes. A little extra romance in your life also helps spur your creativity. It might be time to finish up a big project, or start working on a short film or a quilt. And watch where you step, the cosmos indicate you are at an increased risk of accidentally stepping on an ant hill this month.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
Now is the time to focus on your family, Cap. You’re about to go through a phase of major transition, and so far your instinct has been to retreat into yourself and sort of implode. But I’m here to tell you that reaching out is what’s going to keep you from falling off the edge and help you find the answers you so desperately seek. You’ll also come to value the time you can spend with your family and friends greatly in the near future. I foresee extended travel or possibly a relocation in the coming months. But these will be positive changes, no worries. Try to laugh more, too. I also see one day this month you will stub your toe on a coffee table, a large fish or possibly a doorway.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
Wow, Aquarius. Your energy in nearly every spectrum is high this month. You’ve been overwhelmed with premonitions, prophetic dreams and tingling sensations. You’ve suddenly become more athletic than you’ve ever been in your life and can’t wait to get outdoors and go exploring, even if it is allergy season and your eyes have been itching so bad you wonder how they haven’t just fallen out of your head yet. Ride out the energy, and make sure you are keeping a positive attitude. Because you are so in-tune with the universe right now, you’ll have a greater influence over everyone around you. You can even control their minds. You can read their thoughts. You can project images and visions into their minds. But that would be intrusive, so just try to keep the happy thoughts up and everyone will thank you.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
You’re not usually one to fret over finances, Pisces, but this month you’ll be working through some money worries. Be careful at work, and make sure you’re not overdoing it on the weekends. Other than that, though, now is a great month to really spend time with someone who means a lot to you. You’ve been heading towards a path of major transition all year long, and while you’re not there yet, you’ve almost reached the fork in the road. So sit back, watch the sunrise and enjoy all the good things you’ve got going for you. Also, if you are not familiar with the skill of braiding, I recommend you work on it. Signs indicate it could save your life around April 25.
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
You are on fire, Aries! Venus has moved into your sign and will remain until April 25, giving you lots of good fortune, luck in love and the competitive edge you’re so well known for. You’ll have an important decision to make around April 12, but never fear- as long as you’ve got your confidence, you can’t make the wrong choice. Also, you’ll be surrounded by giraffes at some point in the next three weeks. They will be friendly, they may come in an unexpected form, but they will be giraffes and they will surround you. You might not even notice it when it happens, they will be so subtle in their giraffe ways. But if you do see the giraffes, make a wish and it will come true by the next new moon.
