He was moving too fast.
He was two years older, a cute senior, and he wanted me. I felt lucky that he thought I was worth noticing, so when he invited me over, I happily agreed. However, the innocent visit quickly turned into much more.
“I’m not ready,” I said. “I’m not sure about this.”
He coaxed me into doing something I never wanted, never mind my protests, and left me crying on the bathroom floor. He took something I’d never get back, and I vowed to never let it happen again.
Fast-forward three hard years later, and I found myself in the same position in college that I had been in as a high school student. A close friend with whom I had been romantically involved a few years prior wanted me to visit him in his dorm room to help with homework.
He met me in front of his dorm and checked me in at the front desk, and we walked back to his room. Not even half an hour later, the paper he needed help with was clearly the last thing on his mind.
As I objected and squirmed, I’ll never forget what he said.
“You knew what you were doing when you came over here.”
It filled me with guilt. “Maybe I had signed up for this by agreeing to visit,” I thought to myself. I tried to convince myself that I knew what I was getting into, but something in me wouldn’t allow that. I demanded that he stop, and he trapped me, locking the door and sentencing me to years of recovery – a journey I have not yet completed.
My story is not an unusual one. In fact, a survey by the Association of American Universities in 2015 revealed that nearly 1 in 4 female college students has experienced some form of unwanted sexual contact, which warrants everything from kissing to touching to rape, carried out by force or threat of force, or while she was incapacitated because of alcohol or drugs, according to CNN.
The #MeToo movement, pioneered by activist Tarana Burke, who visited campus last night to speak about sexual assault and the movement, has raised awareness of the high occurrence of sexual assault and abuse in today’s world.
Recent allegations against Aziz Ansari have brought this gray area of sexual assault to light, sparking a conversation about what it means to voluntarily consent. Consent should be clear and given without prompt, regardless of gender and sexual orientation, and though “no means no” is a widely known phrase, perhaps the better phrase is “maybe means no, too.”
- I’m tired.
Your sexual partner just told you that he or she is too tired to have sex. Respect that, and back off. If your partner hasn’t voluntarily consented, proceeding after his or her admission would be rape, even if you convince your partner to have sex.
- Not right now – maybe later.
If your partner wanted to have sex, he or she would say it. “Not right now” is not as ambiguous as some of the others on this list.
- I’m on my period.
This excuse is often given when women do not want to have sexual intercourse with their partners. Some women might be comfortable having sex on their period, and if they are, that’s completely their decision, but when a woman says this in a sexually tense or uncomfortable setting, she does not want to have sex.
- I don’t know.
“I don’t know” is a far cry from a resounding “yes.” If your partner is not sure, he or she is not voluntarily consenting to sex, and persuading him or her to have sex is rape.
- I’m drunk.
Consent is legally impossible to give when one partner is intoxicated. People are unable to fully voluntarily consent, and without consent, any sexual contact or action is assault. Forcible sex with an intoxicated person is an illegal, serious offense.
- Stop.
A clear “no,” when your partner says “stop,” you should. Continuing past this point would cause the interaction to become assault quickly, if it has not already. Respect your partner’s wishes, and stop.
These are just a few ways people might say “no.” Notice non-verbal cues, too, and always stay mindful of your partner’s emotions during sexual encounters. Make sure that he or she is comfortable throughout the entire experience, and if your partner makes it known that he or she feels otherwise, immediately stop. If you have been assaulted, know that you are not alone, you are not to blame and that there are services available in Oxford to help you through the days after.
People say “no” in a number of ways – we just have to listen.
Photo illustration by Emily Hoffman
