Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sep. 22
The beginning of a new semester is looking like an all-around lucky time for you. Classes will go well, your boss is taking notice of all your hard work and gearing up to reward you for it, and it looks like your love life is about to get a little more interesting! On top of that, sometime between the 21st and the 30th you will come into possession of a magic goblet capable of granting any reasonable wish you can think of. However, the magic goblet will only work if you are drinking from it while you make your wish, and you can only drink whole milk out of it. So, get ready for some serious vitamin D intake.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23- Oct. 22
Summer wasn’t the relaxing vacation you were promised, was it, Libra? Sure, you got to spend some time with friends and family, you took a few days off work, but it felt like every time you turned the corner, something new was ready and waiting to stress you out. Fear not, Libra. It’s all about to balance out. As Pluto moves into position on the 22nd, you will find everything will start going your way. You will also find a way to resolve a bothersome problem in an unexpected way, and you will be able to see unicorns. However, the unicorns thing isn’t really that great because every mythical horned pony you will find in this area will be really sarcastic and rude. Just try to ignore them as best you can.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
Neptune missed you all summer, Scorpio, and with the days getting longer and longer, the blue planet is finding more and more creative ways to get at you. Over the next week or so, Neptune’s position in relation to Venus combined with the orbit of Saturn’s moon Mimas will alter the cosmic forces around you in such a way that if your skin comes into contact with salt water you will immediately turn into a mer-person. And, I’m sorry to say, the part of your body that comes into contact with the water will be the fish part. So, be careful, especially when boiling pasta, not to spill.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Your brains are at their sharpest right now, Sagittarius. Uranus is spinning in the right direction, and your blood is flowing right to your thinker! You are quick-witted, cunning and clever, and your jokes are going to be fire this month. As a matter of fact, you will tell the funniest joke you will ever tell in your whole life, but no one will be around to hear it. You may try and repeat it a second time, but let’s face it: nothing is ever as funny the second time. The joke will be good though, and for the rest of your life you will find yourself thinking of it in your darkest moments, and it will bring a golden ray of joy to break through the darkest shadows of your life. So, you have that to look forward to.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
Pluto’s influence is strong right now, Cap, and it is manifesting itself in the strangest of ways. The dwarf planet, known for being a wee bit sulky, is glooming up your mood. At times, you will pull away from its less-than-dazzling attitude, but every now and again, you’ll feel really grumpy and you won’t know why. If you find yourself in a funk, take a deep breath, relax, drink a nice cup of iced tea and put your feet up. While you’re at it, take a good look at your toes – Pluto’s weird power over you will cause your toenails to change colors depending on your mood. On the plus side, it looks like you’ll be saving time and money on painting your toenails.
Aquarius, the Water Bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
I’ll be straight up with you, Aquarius: Summer was not the best. You worked non-stop, there was routine drama and no matter how early you went to bed, it always felt like you never got enough sleep. Well rest easy, my buddy, because as everyone else is bustling and buzzing getting ready for the semester or just wrapping up their summers in general, you shall find peace. You will become the chillest of the chill, your worries will lift off your shoulders, and you will flourish. And you will be able to talk to fish, which is pretty cool. Fish are chill and they always have cool things to talk about. Most of them are highly read in Batman cannon, and I heard there’s a minnow down by Molly Barr that caught a Zapdos, but it’s just a rumor.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
You’re adjusting to a strange kind of change right now, and you aren’t quite sure how to cope with transition. Should you take up a new hobby? Join a club? Try stand-up? One thing for certain is that you’re about to take a big step, and you’re going to need the support of your friends and family. Also, you will wake up on the morning of Aug. 22 and discover you have grown wings. They will be tiny wings, like chicken wings, and you won’t really be able to fly with them or anything, but, I mean, wings are still pretty cool.
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
You’re practically Mary Poppins this month, Aries! Not because you have an incredible singing voice/vocal range, are the nanny of wealthy English children or able to fly, but because your primary means of transportation this month will be an umbrella. I’m not totally sure how that works, (the stars don’t tell me everything, you know) but I would recommend having one on you at all times. You’ve also been feeling a little uneasy about things lately, and that should resolve itself around the 23rd. You will also find $5 at some point in your life.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
There is a fun-filled adventure in your future, Taurus! It might be a day-trip, a road-trip or just a fun walk in the park, but there is definitely a day worth writing in your diary about coming up this week! I would recommend doing a little soul-searching and opening yourself up to new things. Your life could change in the blink of an eye, and you are very much aware of it this month. You will also develop the astonishing ability to put a USB in correctly on the first try every time (for a limited amount of time).
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
This month you will be especially beautiful and attractive, inside and out. This is because Venus is working its magic on you, right up until the end of August. You may have to speak with a relative you don’t get along with very well around the 27th, but be patient. Whatever they have to say could be very important. At some point in the next few weeks, an old man will give you money. If you invest it, you will become very rich. If you don’t, you will still be happy with whatever you spend it on.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
You are super charismatic this month, and everyone is noticing. Get ready to make lots of new friends, see new places and try all sorts of fun new things. Around the 26th you will have a rough day of work ahead of you and an unexpected obstacle to overcome, so try and get as much work done as possible beforehand, and make time for delays. Finally, you will be approached by a sea-witch soon, so be on the lookout. She or he wants to steal your soul, most likely by winning it from you in a game of pool, so avoid the billiards table this month.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
The past few month have been a time of great change for you, Leo. There has been a lot of chaos and disorder, but also a lot of happiness and new friends. But don’t worry, the beginning of a new season will bring stability and order into your life. In areas where you may feel like you’ve been lacking control, you’ll find your grip again. Unfortunately, part of the stability you will find will come on the night of the next full moon, when the gravitational pull of Saturn in combination with the position of Jupiter’s Europa will put cosmic pressure on your aura, causing you to turn into a troll every Friday night around 8 p.m. for the rest of the month. But, being a troll isn’t so terrible; you’ll spend a lot of time studying this semester, which means you’ll be starting off with a solid GPA. If you don’t turn into a troll, you are not a true Leo.
