Libra, the Scale: September 23- October 22
You’ve been feeling pretty cool lately, Libra, and with good reason. The stars have aligned for you, and for the next month you will achieve perfect balance; most of your jokes will make sense AND be funny, your socks will always match, you’ll always know what days to wear shorts and what days to wear pants, and there is a well-balanced breakfast in your future. Play your cards right, and by the end of the month you just may end up on a box of Wheaties holding a gold medal for first place in life. Or a silver medal depending on how the 17 goes. Just saying…
Scorpio, the Scorpion: October 23- November 21
At last, Mercury is out of retrograde! Your life should be returning to normal again, and that weird smell coming from your feet should finally go away. But be careful, Scorpio, you’re not totally out of the woods yet. Until the next new moon, you’re balance is going to be a little off, and you’re going to be largely accident prone, especially when handling glass objects. Combat this klutzy spell by wearing oven mittens and knee pads everywhere you go for the next few weeks- you’ll thank me later!
Sagittarius, the Archer: November 22- December 21
Careful with that morning coffee, Sagittarius; I have it on very good authority that one day this month, you are going to spill something all down the front of your shirt. I’m sorry to say that this little accident will more than likely occur while you are at work, and your co-workers will probably point the stain out to you for the rest of the day, as if you hadn’t already noticed it when you dropped an entire Tupperware container of spaghetti down your front. But other than that, it’s gonna be a great October!
Capricorn, the Goat: December 22- January 19
Guess what, Capricorn? You’re going on a hot date! Or at least, some kind of date. Don’t be weird about it. It may just be a meeting, totally casual, nothing even remotely like a date. You might just bump into someone you’re loosely acquainted with as you stroll along to lunch. Actually, it may just be semi-meaningful eye-contact with someone while you’re in line for Starbucks or walking through the Grove. But whatever it is, it’s going to be really special.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: January 20- February 18
This will be a very exciting month for you, Aquarius! Sometime in the next month one of two things will happen that will change your life forever. 1) you will meet the love of your life while pleasantly strolling through a colorful flurry of autumn leaves, sipping a hot drink as the cool breeze blows through your hair and the light catches your eyes in just the right way OR 2) you will see a wild armadillo. I am totally serious. A real, live, wild armadillo. Besides being something really cool you can tell all your family and friends about, seeing the armadillo will grant you hella good luck and you’ll get three wishes. But don’t pet it because armadillos carry leprosy.
Pisces, the Fish: February 19- March 20
Well, well, well, Pisces, looks like you are going to be Mr/Ms. Moneybags this month. Last month’s eclipse put a lucky coin in your pocket, and all October you will be digging up buried treasure everywhere you go. Not to mention, relatives will be coming out of the woodwork to throw money at you for no good reason, you lucky dog, you. If you want to keep the good vibes coming, you’ll need to spread your wealth a little, being especially generous to any *ahem* psychics. Otherwise you can expect little mushroom trolls to steal your monies and leave little invisible troll toots in all your shoes.
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
You’ve been feeling a little extra sensitive lately, Aries, and nothing seems to be going your way. Don’t worry, though; your lucky break is coming on the 13 and boy, are you in for a treat! Until then, try and keep it together because the stars indicate you’ve been overdoing it on the caffeine and you should probably just take a nap once in a while. Don’t trust anyone named Ralph and carve a pumpkin in my honor, or you’ll be cursed.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
Beware, Taurus, this month you’ll be feeling especially on edge as the skies begin to shift and new stars start to shine. Ghosts and spirits will be especially drawn to you as it draws nearer and nearer to Halloween and the portal to the realm of the dead opens up around you. Scary movies, haunted houses, even fairy-princess costumes are all going to scare you out of your wits unless you can get ahold of yourself. You’ll have the ability to see and talk to ghosts this month, so just take a deep breath, relax, and pinch everyone you have a conversation with because they might be a ghost.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
Now is the time to chase that dream, Gemini. You’re wielding an amazing authority over your environment this month, and with a little effort and whole lot of vision, all your dreams could start coming true. There is a downside, however, in that when I say ‘all your dreams will come true,’ I really do mean all of them. Even the scary ones. So make sure you avoid eating too much sugar or watching slasher movies/MTV before you go to bed.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
Cancer, I hope you’ve been combing your hair because your 15 minutes of fame has arrived! Don’t be alarmed if you suddenly find yourself in front of bright flashes and shuttering lenses, just strike a pose and turn your good side toward the camera. Your solar energy is vamped this month, so you’ll be looking especially attractive during the daylight hours, especially while standing under direct sunlight. Unfortunately, your lunar energy will be lower as a result and, well…just don’t take any pictures after the sun goes down.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- August 22
Everyone wants to talk to you this month, Leo, and you know exactly how to handle it. Strangers on the street will ask you how your day is going, your cousins in Iowa will call you to say hi, and that really quiet guy at work everyone thinks is low-key a serial killer is going to tell you a joke he read off the back of a popsicle stick! You’ll be the MVP in all your group projects, and super charming when you give speeches. This month you will also temporarily have the power to turn oatmeal into spiders. If you don’t have that power, none of this horoscope applies to you and you’re not a true Leo, I’m sorry.
Virgo, the Virgin: August 23- September 22
Hey Virgo, your genius is showing! The planets have aligned in just the right way, and it’s got your blood flowing and your brain going. Now is the time to revisit those blueprints for the race-car hot tub you’ve always dreamt of, or see if you can finally finish that novel (or not, because let’s be honest, the plot isn’t going anywhere). Inspiration could strike you at any time this month, so when it does, be sure and mutter it quietly to yourself under your breath over and over until you have a chance to write it down.
