1. Clowney Question: If South Carolina star produces, can Heisman voters overcome bias and stupidity to elect a second-ever defender?
In the 78 years of the history of the Heisman Trophy — given to college football’s most outstanding player — only once has a player who primarily played defense won the award. That would be Michigan defensive back Charles Woodson in 1997.
South Carolina junior defensive end Jadeveon Clowney thinks this bias against defenders is absolute garbage. And if the 6-foot-6, 274-pound monster can notch close to 20 sacks and make more hits like he did against a Michigan running back in last season’s Outback Bowl, he might be able to buck this trend. Then it will be up to the voters to look past the flashy offensive players and mark Clowney on their ballots.
2. Five-Star Impact: Ranking the impact of R. Nkemdiche, Treadwell, Tunsil and Conner in 2013
Robert Nkemdiche is already a starter on the Ole Miss defensive line, having jumped several veterans. Laquon Treadwell is set to do the same at slot receiver. Laremy Tunsil is the top backup at left tackle. And Tony Conner is set for major playing time at Huskie.
Ole Miss’ five-star recruits from the class of 2013 have undoubtedly lived up to their high billing thus far. But which one will make the biggest impact for the Rebels this fall? Here’s how I think they’ll rank in terms of productivity, and I’ve thrown in some statistical predictions as well: (1) Treadwell: 40 receptions, 450 yards, 6 TDS; (2) Nkemdiche: 43 tackles, 5 sacks; (3) Tunsil: plays in all 12 regular season games, starts 2; (4) Conner: 30 tackles, 4 tackles for a loss, 1 interception.
3. Nick Saban gets bored, South Carolina Captures SEC Championship, National Title
Here’s my off-the-wall prediction for 2013: Nick Saban, the best coach in all of college football, finally gets bored of winning all the time and decides to take the gas off the pedal a little bit. Instead of meticulously piecing together defensive game plans and engaging in intense recruiting battles across the country, Saban decides to spend more time hanging out with family and enjoying his favorite snack — Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies. (Seriously, one of Nick Saban’s few indulgences in life is Oatmeal Cream Pies.) With Alabama a non-factor, South Carolina wins the SEC and national championship. Steve Spurrier rightfully goes out on top, retiring to a life of cold ones and playing golf without his shirt on.
All kidding aside, I really do think — or at least hope — that Alabama will take a slight step back this year. My prognostication is that the Crimson Tide come up short in the SEC Championship Game to South Carolina, and the Gamecocks represent the conference in the final BCS National Championship Game. Why? I’ll throw out three reasons: (1) The Gamecocks have one of the best college football players of all time — Clowney — playing a premium position on a defense that contains other talented playmakers; (2) The schedule is extremely favorable outside of a Week 2 trip to Georgia, a team South Carolina absolutely smoked last year; (3) Spurrier is a battle-tested, national championship-winning coach who has “beaten Saban” on his resume.
4. Johnny Manziel and Miley Cyrus should start dating for my entertainment
The collective sports media and TMZ rejoice. College football resident Heisman-winning party boy and pop music train wreck/every father’s nightmare is now a Facebook-official couple.
OK, I admit, I’m lying. Johnny Manziel and Miley Cyrus aren’t actually together, but wouldn’t it be cool — and don’t they kind of deserve each other at this point? Personally, I’m a fan of the absurdity that Manziel and Cyrus have exhibited as of late if for no other reason than my own personal entertainment and the outrage of old, boring or prudish types. So bear with me here: If Johnny Football and Miley Cyrus start dating, the Internet would break thanks to the unbridled ridiculousness and debauchery that would ensue. Think of the pictures and videos that would surface on social media after a weekend of Cyrus hanging out in College Station. Even better, Miley wouldn’t allow Johnny to bro out with lame rappers like Drake anymore. Instead, Ms. Cyrus would help Johnny Football hang out with the crème de la crème of the industry — Jay-Z and Kanye, for instance. So, Johnny, call up Miley and ask her out to a nice surf and turf dinner. Then, if things work out, you can thank me on Twitter.
5. Picking Week 1: Alabama set to give Virginia Tech massive wedgie
And finally my picks for Week 1 in the SEC:
Alabama vs. Virginia Tech: No, seriously, Nick Saban is going to stand on his tippy toes and give Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer a wedgie. Then, the Crimson Tide roll 42-13.
Arkansas vs. UL-Lafayette: First-year Arkansas coach Bret Bielema announces minutes before kickoff that he’s nixed every passing play in the Razorbacks’ offensive playbook. Nonetheless, Woo Pig Sooie runs to victory 31-14.
Auburn vs. Washington State: Two of college football’s most wide-open offenses go at it. I’ll go with Gus “I really, really hate Houston Nutt” Malzahn and Auburn 38-21 over Mike “I have a pirate fetish” Leach in this bizarre SEC-Pac-12 matchup.
Florida vs. Toledo: An Ole Miss frat bro wearing jean shorts — high fashion in Gainesville — has a better chance of getting a co-ed’s digits on The Oxford Square than Florida does of having a consistently productive offense in 2013. But this is Toledo we’re talking about. Go Gata 42-14.
Georgia vs. Clemson: Remember when Clemson fans thought Robert Nkemdiche was really going to sign with their school? That was funny, wasn’t it? The Football Gods make it up to the Tigers with a 31-24 victory over Georgia.
Kentucky vs. Western Kentucky: Western Kentucky upsets Kentucky — this time 24-21 — for the second year in a row. Troubled first-year Western Kentucky head coach Bobby Petrino subsequently jumps on his motorcycle and heads to Hooter’s for a night of celebration.
LSU vs. TCU: Many have TCU in an upset. I think Les Miles could smoke grass — rather than eat it — and the Tigers would still smoke the Horned Frogs. LSU 35-14 please and thank you.
Ole Miss vs. Vanderbilt: Robert. Robert. Robert. Yes, the younger Nkemdiche is going to be good, unfathomably good, but his older brother is already a superstar. Denzel hits Vandy QB Austyn Carta-Samuels, making his first meaningful start, early and often and the Rebels roll 31-21.
Mississippi State vs. Oklahoma State: If you’re an Ole Miss fan who wants to see Dan Mullen humbled on national TV, then tune in. The Cowboys, Big 12 favorites, obliterate the Bulldogs 49-21.
Missouri vs. Murray State: I couldn’t come up with a more boring matchup if I tried. Missouri wins 42-13, I guess.
South Carolina vs. North Carolina: North Carolina players get off the bus. North Carolina players see Clowney. North Carolina team forfeits game.
Tennessee vs. Austin Peay: Fun, irrelevant fact: First-year Tennessee coach Butch Jones strongly resembles the dad from Home Alone. Rocky Top starts out slow but tops Austin Peay 35-10.
Texas A&M vs. Rice: With Miley Cyrus cheering (and twerking) on the sidelines, Manziel and the Aggies vanquish Rice 56-14.
