Illustration by Jake Thrasher
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
You’ve done a lot of growing in the past year, Aries, and the stars have taken note. You’ve taken major steps to rein in that temper of yours, and you’ve opened yourself up to receiving more love. Venus, your lover, has decided to reward you in the weirdest way possible. This month, you will come to terms with some very personal feelings, and you’ll find the courage to really say how you feel. This will open the door to amazing career and relationship opportunities. Also, someone special is going to touch your heart this month. Like literally touch your heart. Like the organ in your chest. He or she is going to touch it. I hope they put you under for that because holy moly that sounds painful. Good luck with that, Aries.
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
You’ve been shining lately, Taurus. School or work is going particularly well, you seem to be building up your social life and bit and your skin is looking especially young and fresh on your face. You look hot. You do. And someone is incredibly jealous of you. I must warn you, Taurus: You will be offered cursed ice cream this month. Don’t eat it, or you’ll be cursed. You won’t be able to tell the ice cream is cursed until it’s already touched your lips, and it’s too late (It will be curse-flavored, so you’ll definitely be able to tell). To stay on the safe side, I would just go ahead and avoid ice cream altogether this month, or at least stick with the dairy-free stuff (You know what dairy does to you).
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
Lately you’ve been feeling pretty good about yourself, Gemini. A recent change in your life has got you energized, and you’re feeling like you could do just about anything. Saturn is perfectly aligned with Mercury this month around your cosmic energies, which will have some pretty interesting results on you. What I’m saying is you’re going to be one heck of a dancer this month, Gem. One heck of a dancer indeed. You’ll be such an amazing dancer that the gods will open the heavens to challenge you to a game of “Just Dance Wii” and lose. You’ll be that good. We’re all jealous.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
This month is going to go pretty well for you, Cancer. An old flame may pop up sometime around the middle of the month, which will introduce some stimulating but mostly risk-free drama into your life, as long as you’re careful. You’re also going to cry in a movie theater sometime in the next few weeks, but whomever you are with at the time will think it’s cute and may even be extra affectionate toward you for the rest of the day. Also, the stars and I warned you about him long ago, but now the time has come. You must beware of the strange appearance of a one-eyed snaggletoothed old man this month, Cancer. His name is Stan. Watch out for Stan.
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
This month your brain power is off the charts, Leo. That’s because wise Uranus has positioned itself just above you and is pouring its cosmic energy all over you, giving you a major brain boost. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself making smart and mature choices this month, retaining information more easily and picking up new skills with ease. In fact, your brains are so absorbent right now that if you were to sit in a helicopter, you would automatically know how to fly and operate it. But you would have to be physically in the helicopter to unlock this power. And the power expires at midnight on March 31.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sept. 22
Eyeballs will grow out of your hands this month, Virgo, which is very exciting. I can’t tell you why exactly this is going to happen, or what it will feel like or how big the eyeballs will be — but I can tell you it’s going to happen. On a lighter note, Pluto is jealous you’ll be growing so many new eyeballs and it’s not even considered a planet anymore. So, to get revenge, Pluto will triple the force of its cosmic aura to impair your memory all month. You’ll forget where you put your keys, forget your phone at home and forget the name of that one actor from Beetlejuice who played the guy in the plaid shirt. Also, you probably won’t remember St. Patrick’s Day.
Libra, the Scale: Sept. 23- Oct. 22
Things have been pretty blah lately, Libra. Last month, which was supposed to be unexceptional, turned out to just be pretty not-that-great. But the stars have seen how you handled things with beauty and grace and have conveyed to me they wish to reward you. You will find something shiny in one of your shoes. All the buttons will stay on your clothes this month. And best of all, a handsome stranger will invite you out to dinner. The only hitch here is that he or she will have tentacles in his or her underarms. But besides that, he or she will be perfectly charming and attractive, and you’ll get some free din-din. You’ll just have to get past your own inner bias and open yourself up to a new standard of beauty. Are you up to the challenge?
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
You will be visited by a magical fairy leprechaun this month! All you have to do is close your eyes and wish real hard. Then hide in the darkest shadow you can find, taking short, quiet breaths, being as still as you possibly can. Be patient, for patience is key. When the time is right, he will come, quiet and quick as a mouse. When you see the leprechaun for the first time, do not be shocked. Try and keep your heart rate as low as possible, as he can sense such things. You won’t be able to catch him by any conventional means, such as nets or box traps; leprechauns are far too clever for the tools of mere men. If you wish to catch him, you must first catch his attention by quietly whispering a very provocative riddle, one he won’t be able to ignore. Once you have engaged him in a battle of wits, and he is pleased with you as an adversary, then, and only then, he shall grant you a wish. I suggest you study up on your riddles.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
Been feeling a bit down in the dumps lately, Sag? It’s been a kind of creative month for you, which, as you know, can be kind of emotionally draining. It’s almost like the more ideas you have and put out into the world, the more energy is sucked away from you. Take time to rest this March, get some sun and some sleep, and take time for you. The sun, the brightest star in our solar system, has decided to be extra nice to you this month, so appreciate every sunny day you get. The stars are also indicating to me they will bestow a cosmic gift upon you for the month of March, and as a result you will gain the ability to smell light. How wonderful!
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
The full moon is really digging your vibes right now. Jupiter and Uranus are aligned just so that their cosmic energies are being pulled toward you like a magnet, making you feel extra powerful and confident. Now is the time to really shine at work, and you are definitely looking more attractive lately, too. In fact, you are so stuffed with cosmic power, during the next full moon, your mortal body will not be able to contain it. Just before midnight, you will erupt into a loveliness of glittery, golden ladybugs, which will then join together again at the stroke of midnight, returning you to your mortal form. You’re also going to read a really funny cocktail napkin between the 14th and the 20th.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
I have great news for you this month, Aquarius. Neptune misses you and feels like you guys haven’t hung out in a long time. So around March 11-18, someone very special to you is going to take you to an aquarium! Or at least a restaurant with a fish tank. Or a doctor’s or dentist’s office with a fish tank. Or you’ll walk into the pet store and see the beta fish. The point is, you’re going to get to see some fish in a fish tank, which, let’s face it, is kind of great. On the night of March 15 you will also be told you are loved. And since the moon is just loving your young vibes right now, during the next full moon you will gain the ability to fly on a broomstick.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
I’m afraid the stars have delivered some rather unsavory news for you this month, Pisces. While I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that you will have a lovely birthday, full of love and support and happiness, surrounded by friends and family, there is a strange darkness ahead. Because of Mercury and its sinister cosmic force on your house this month, every single pair of flip-flops, or as some people call them, thong sandals, you wear this month will break. Maybe not immediately after you put them on. Maybe not even this year. But mark my words. They will break. And at a time most inconvenient for you. Sorry.
