“Go to college,” they said.
“Follow your dreams,” they said.
But “they” failed to mention that I would be selling my soul to The System. They never told me that I would be so poor that I considered mixing hot dogs and Ramen noodles, imagining it as dinner at Benihana just to get by. They never told me that once I partied my GPA away freshman year, recuperating would be one of the hardest things I’d have to do in my life. They never told me that all of this responsibility would pile on me at once.
They never told me how hard this is.
Once upon a time, I didn’t look at prices. Now I can’t help it. I cry when I’m shopping online and my total goes up to $60.20 because of shipping, when originally the order was a reasonable $54.20. At Walmart or Kroger, if my total exceeds $30, it’s time to put a few things back.
Give me a break.
Even after the month-long break the school awards us. Even after my teacher has cancelled class twice this week. Even after I’m fired from my job because I just can’t.
It’s never enough, but always too much.
Two weeks ago I stayed up for two days studying for a test that I successfully failed. Last night I did the same. This all has me questioning my intelligence. Was I really smart in high school, or did my teachers just favor me? Am I still smart? Why am I drowning in this pool of failure?
My bank account and GPA are racing me to the finish line of ruining my life. Each 10 steps I’m granted, I’m denied an extra 24. I’m in constant inquisition of my purpose. If these four years don’t earn me a decent salary in the end, well— what will I do?
Will I even be able to get a job after this? Will I be able to afford housing? Will Sallie Mae force me to be indebted to her forever? Will I spend every single check I get paying her when she shouldn’t have loaned me the money in the first place?
Please, Sallie Mae, take it back. I don’t want it anymore.
I’m more than halfway there, but that doesn’t matter. In these final stages of my college career, I am living on a prayer. That’s it. I’m not sure what to do from here.
Expect the worst. Pray for the best. Prepare to face your academic death. Prepare to have a negative balance in your bank account.
Thank you, school, for making this my reality. Thank you, bank account, as well.
Mia Sims is a junior journalism major from Wren.
