Well, guys, it’s been real. As self-designated campus psychic for the past two years, I’ve very much enjoyed helping you guys figure out what the future held for you once a month. But alas, as my time at the University of Mississippi draws to a close, I’m afraid these will be the last horoscopes I can deliver unto you. It took a lot of time and some serious mediation to get the stars to agree to give me a glimpse into everyone’s future for their whole lives, and it almost killed me to travel those far reaches of the cosmos, but I did it out of love for you, Ole Miss. So, without further ado, may I present your final horoscopes:
Taurus, the Bull: April 20- May 20
Your future looks pretty bright, Taurus. I foresee your confident spirit and good wits will get you everywhere in life. I also foresee that your charm and good nature will help other people overlook your picky eating habits and stinky feet. Yay! The only negative I see in your future is that you will make too many friends. Yes, that’s right: too many friends. You’ll never be able to keep their names straight, let alone remember everyone’s birthday. Many of them will get their feelings hurt, but you can’t really blame yourself. You’re just too charming.
Gemini, the Twins: May 21- June 20
The future is chock full of career success for you, Gemini. I foresee not only a fulfilling career path for you but also one that includes many spacious rooms, natural lighting and a gym membership you’ll actually take advantage of. Yes, your future will be stuffed with happiness for you and your loved ones as you bask in the comforts of financial stability. Unfortunately, the stars tell me that your happiness will come at a price. In order for your success to last, your favorite NFL team will never win another Super Bowl … unless your favorite team is the Dallas Cowboys, in which case they will win back-to-back Super Bowls many times.
Cancer, the Crab: June 21- July 22
I’m afraid all I can tell you about your future, Cancer, is that it will bring you close to open water, and you will find serenity there. Other than that, it’s all too vague to really report. It’s stuff like “you will find happiness if you follow your heart” and “don’t take any wooden nickels.” The only specific thing I can really tell you is that at some point in the next 20 years, a bird will poo on you, but you will receive a free T-shirt on the day it does. And who doesn’t love a free T-shirt?
Leo, the Lion: July 23- Aug. 22
Astounding abilities will come and go from you for the rest of your life, Leo. For example, the stars tell me that you will be blessed with the ability to surf like a professional at some point in the next 50 years, but the ability will only last a few days. At some other point in time you will find yourself capable of cooking fine Italian cuisine, but only for a few months. I recommend you just sit back and enjoy the ride. Try and invest time in as many odd hobbies and adventures as you can, and you’ll find your mysterious talents without me having to tell you what they’ll be month to month. I also foresee you’ll wear a toga sometime in the next week.
Virgo, the Virgin: Aug. 23- Sep. 22
Your future will be full of many mysteries and wonders, Virgo. I foresee that one day you will spell the word “restaurant” correctly on the first try, without any help from auto-correct. Yet, the stars also tell me you will drunk-order the perfect customized pizza one night and eat it all, and you’ll never be able to recreate it, which will haunt you for the rest of your life. So, there will be many good things in your future, but also some kind of annoying inconveniences, so you should learn to deal with that now. Also, if you ever have children, I foresee you stepping on a lot of Legos.
Libra, the Scale: Sep. 23- Oct. 22
You are a plant, so you’ll probably get lots of sunshine and drink plenty of water, if I had to guess.
Scorpio, the Scorpion: Oct. 23- Nov. 21
I see there is wealth and prosperity in your future, Scorpio. You won’t need to survive on your old man’s money, because you’ll have your own! Unfortunately, the stars have shown me that if you ever buy a fancy and/or exotic sports car, you will meet with certain doom soon after. So avoid the fancy sports cars and stick with with safer ones. However, there is a plus side to never being able to buy your own exotic luxury vehicle: You’ll get really good at making race car sounds as you pretend to zip and zoom around the track. And I foresee that if you slap a “junior” at the end of your first born child’s name, he or she will become a professional and briefly successful NASCAR driver, so you can always fall back on that.
Sagittarius, the Archer: Nov. 22- Dec. 21
There is a lot of victory in your future, Sagittarius. There will be a significant win sometime in your life that will totally change the course of your life. Your dad will be proud of you and finally see that your dreams are valid and achievable. The love of your life will finally realize that it’s been you all along and will rush into your welcoming embrace, sealing you together in a contract of eternal love with a kiss at the exact moment a firework finale explodes in the background. You might win an Oscar, you might win an arm wrestling competition, you might win a joust or you might win a potato-peeling competition. I have no idea! But I know you’re going to win.
Capricorn, the Goat: Dec. 22- Jan. 19
Your future is truly amazing, Capricorn. I foresee your logical thinking skills, good looks and power will take you many places in life. People will want to hear what you have to say, and your brains and kind heart will let you know what the right things to say will be. I also foresee you will one day find a kitten, and it will be very cute. You will also one day have a cocktail named after you, and it won’t be because you are a famous golfer. You will touch the lives of millions without ever having to touch more than a million people. Also make sure you continue to wear sunscreen and hydrate for the rest of your life.
Aquarius, the Water bearer: Jan. 20- Feb. 18
Sweetie, you’re going to have such a great future. You’re going to get to visit all sorts of cool aquariums, eat good food and travel to fun places. You’re going to meet a real life unicorn named Harold one day while you’re out walking your dog, and he’ll probably grant you a wish if you’re pretty enough … which you are! You’ll also meet your true love while wearing a pair of red shoes, so better get to shopping, hunty! And when you reach your peak level of greatness in around 120 years, your body will begin ascending to the heavens as you are pulled into a cloudless sky by a ray of golden light. When you align with the sun, your body will explode into a firework-like display of glittery butterflies and disperse all over the universe as your soul stretches across the bounds of eternity. Again, this will all occur while “Midnight City” by M83 plays in the background.
Pisces, the Fish: Feb. 19- March 20
I foresee a bright and colorful future for you, Pisces, full of rainbow colors and magic. Your creativity and ability to connect with nature will bring you closer to whatever environment you make your home in, which will be on the West Coast, probably. Yes, Pisces, for you I foresee that you will one day own and operate your own joint juice bar/yoga studio in California. But just be wary that the real estate out there is not only completely ridiculous but also the whole state’s bound to break off into the ocean any second. (Thanks, climate change!) Not to mention, every other Pisces and his brother is going to be heading out to Cali to get in on the juicy-yoga action. So just be smart, have a good business plan and you’ll be fine.
Aries, the Ram: March 21- April 19
When I look into your future, Aries, all I see is green. You’re going to have a greenhouse, on a green lawn, with some green clothes, and a green car and possibly lots of green money. Or it could mean you will live high up in the hills, in the middle of the green forest, in a moss covered cabin far away from the evils of society. You eat only the green vegetables that you grow in your garden and bathe in the green pond behind your house in the summertime while the green mallards quack and emerald fish hop into the sunlight. Or maybe it means that you’ll hit a lot of green traffic lights in your life, which is also great. I also foresee a blue and silver shirt in your future, so that’s pretty cool.
