I’m sure we have all had that very one-sided conversation that began with “How are you doing?” and before you could even give an answer, you hear, “Me too, girl — blah blah blah.”
So let me address this once and for all – If you simply want someone to be there to listen to you, then just cut to the chase and do not ask how we are doing. This is not being disrespectful. By ceasing to pretend to be interested, we not only conserve time, but we also avoid giving each other a false sense of concern.
My understanding of genuine friendship is that, in conversation between genuine friends, there is an actual pause after asking someone about their well-being where the requested answer actually goes. But it goes even even deeper than that; friendship is truly caring about how an individual is “doing” beyond just asking. It is loving that person enough to create an atmosphere where they feel comfortable enough to pull back the mask that we as humans have become so accustomed to wearing, and allowing them to reveal the scars they are ashamed of. It is accepting the blemishes, being willing to learn the history behind the scars that have fashioned these individuals into the people we love.
Friendship is realizing that what you hear may be ugly and uncomfortable, but withstanding the unease, understanding that love is sometimes ugly and uncomfortable anyway.
If your friendship only revolves around what the other person is not doing for you, then maybe you should reevaluate your definition of the word “friend.” “Friend” has suffered a loss of significant meaning over the years. We have wandered away from the Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King relationship, where Oprah wishes that “every person on earth experiences somebody who cares for them and knows them in such a way that they only want the best for you.” We have idolized the Serena and Blair relationship from “Gossip Girl” as the pinnacle of friendship; yet we fail to remember the hateful words hurled between them when at any point one or the other fails to fulfill her “friendship duty.”
Every girl in the world complains to her family about how she is such a great friend and how she can not find a friend on par with herself. Statistically, that does not make sense; maybe we are not as good of friends as we think we are. It’s possible that we are looking at ourselves in a different light than what reality shines on us. If we are all the perfect friend like we believe, why are there so many individuals who feel alone and misunderstood? It is because our selfishness prevents us from living up to the standard of “perfect friendship” that we unfairly expect from everyone else. Since we prioritize our own well-being, we put so many people that we claim to care about on the back burner. This is not to say we should not care about ourselves, but it is insensitive to allow everyone to carry our burdens while we show little regard for theirs.
Too often we as humans judge friendships or relationships by comparing our own with others’. Perhaps the measuring stick of friendship should be found in the ancient words of wisdom, “Do unto to others as you would have them do unto you.” When you are tempted to become complacent with how you treat others, remember people’s masks have molded to their faces, and it takes truly caring to understand what is behind these masks.
With the skill of a surgeon and the heart of a sage, give to those you call “friend” the gift of listening, cutting through the words they use to shield themselves to see the heart beneath the layers.
Let’s lift someone’s burden by looking behind the mask. Delve into their hearts and find out who they really are, and when we meet that person, let’s not run in fear of who we find them to be. Instead, embrace the person we once mindlessly called friend, because that is when we embody the definition of being a true friend.
Rachel Jannell Granger is a sophomore international studies major from Pearl.
